Look at your child when he sleeps. It doesn't matter how old he is: 12 days old or 12 years old, he is equally defenseless. He equally trusts you and without a drop of doubt puts into his soul what you give him. Even if you think it's not.
See not him. Throw away all your problems, troubles, pains, throw away everything that seems to you the most important and necessary right now, free your soul, be imbued: he loves you. Do you understand how much this is? He loves you. He loves just like that, for nothing, simply because you are.
He loves you. It was you, because he came to you, he chose you from millions of others, which means that you are the best, kindest of all, more beautiful than all, smarter than all. He gave himself to you, entrusted himself: here, take it, do with me what you want; I know that you will only make me better, you will understand me, with you I will open my wings...
Which parent thinks so? Most believe that a child is a piece of plasticine, from which, like gods, they can mold in their own image and likeness. But he is a person. Completely independent, with their own views, concepts, their own ways of knowing the world, sometimes completely opposite to their parents.
The child is not a copy of the parent and wants to go its own way. That's why you hate him sometimes. Didn't live up to expectations. Whose? Yours? And why are you here? All you can do is to insure your child in difficult times for him, but do not tell him where to go. In fact, you do not know who came to you. Maybe he's come to free your wings. And you cut off his wings. And he can trust you. Because he loves you. And he himself will stretch out his white wings to you: chop them off, they prevent me from walking ... Or break them in the fight with you. But you are always stronger. And it's not a fair fight. Or it will just break free and fly away, and you may never see it again...
Love him, your child. Love as long as he allows it to be done explicitly. As long as you can squeeze him, hold him in your arms. Having grown older, he will not allow you these "veal tendernesses." Use, enjoy, while there is time, just a couple of years, while he allows you to do this. Do not make him suffer by leaving him alone in the crib so that he "does not get used to the hands." For him, your hands are the whole world, his universe.
Do not give up on the child, build a house with him, paint with a brush, put the doll to bed - after all, this is his life, because this is important, because this is the meaning of your life at this stage. I remember the eyes of my son in a year, two, three ... Clean, clear, not an ounce of falsehood, holy sincerity. He still does not know how to pretend, lie, slip away. He is absolutely honest, open, direct. They are all children. It's us adults who spoil them later.
The time comes and parents face a choice. They are faced with this choice, even if they are not aware of it. And the rest of the life of them and their child depends on what parents choose. When a baby is born, the umbilical cord, the physical link between the mother and her baby, is cut. But the invisible umbilical cord remains for many years to come. As long as the child is dependent, as long as he does not know how to serve himself, feed, clothe himself, as long as he trusts his parents (he simply does not know what it is - not to believe them), parents should remain his guardians, breadwinners, protectors. But the child grows up and begins to realize that he has his own freedom of choice, his own "I", his own personality - a transitional age begins. The transition from childhood to adolescence.
Smart parents who wish their child well will cut the invisible umbilical cord themselves and give freedom to their son or daughter. This is what their choice consists of: to remain kvochki and in the future to see in this little man only their child, or to become his friend and learn to respect his decisions and his choice. Of course, here, too, one must reserve the right to insure and express one's point of view, but not as the ultimate truth.
Friendly advice, friendly conversation, heart-to-heart conversations. The child will only be grateful to you for this, because he does not know anyone closer than you and - do not forget - he loves you. And he wants to be friends with you. Of course, this will take up almost all your free time. After all, you will still have to participate in his life, play his games, listen to his experiences and any "youthful delirium" (as you think in your heart). But he's serious. And he knows: a friend will not betray. For him, this is the most important thing.
And by virtue of his "youthful maximalism" he can consider anything as a betrayal. And the fact that you see in him a dependent child; and the fact that you got into his personal diary (of course, with the best of intentions); and that they said something bad about the object of his love; and what they told their friends about some, even if it was a minor flaw.
Being a friend is much more difficult than just being a parent. It's just that a parent can say: "Wait, I have no time", or "Don't you see how tired I am?", Or "Sorry, I'm not up to you yet ..." A friend will never say that.
Make friends with your child. And then you will be the first to know that he has already fallen in love with someone ... Or he has a complex because of something ... Or he is shy ... Or he is afraid ... Or something happened to him ... He will share with you in every joy and every sorrow. And love won't run out. And your wings will be released. And it will grow. After all, that's why you met. And gratitude will overwhelm your soul for this meeting ...
Friendship is important not only between good friends or relatives. Parents should also strive to become friends with their children. Indeed, in parent-child relationships, not only feelings of respect and love are important. The child must understand you, and you him. Surely, not one of the parents does not want their son or daughter to be shy, and even more afraid to approach them with a request. They must be sure that they will receive support and understanding from their parents at any time.
Even though many parents work, it is necessary to devote a certain amount of time to your child. Very tired, give the baby 15 minutes for a frank conversation, take an interest in success at school. Be sure to let your child know that if necessary, he can always seek help from his mother or father.
A man who wants his son to grow up strong and courageous must definitely devote time to his child. By setting an example, the father becomes the standard and role model. It doesn't matter what you teach the boy - ball games or home construction, he is there and it is very important for him. Let the baby feel interest in your joint activities, praise more often and behave naturally. It is the ability to imitate that helps the boy, if there is an appropriate example, to grow into a real man.
In no case, parents in dealing with children should not show irritation or impatience. The whole educational process will proceed much more efficiently and effectively, if you show sympathy and approval. Let the child feel independent in joint activities. Let him take the initiative, and you support him.
Silly prejudices prevent most fathers from having friendly and deeply respectful relationships with their daughters. Of course, the upbringing of the girl falls on the shoulders of the mother, but this makes the role of the father no less significant. Girls, like boys, dream of getting approval from their father. The daughter can go fishing or play football with pleasure. Children grow up confident in their abilities and capabilities if they feel sincere interest in them from their father or mother.
Time spent with pleasure by the whole family: trips to museums and cinema, walks and picnics, prepares children for adulthood, where the experience of communication from childhood is transferred. Emotional support from adults is important for accepting a future husband or wife. After all, relationships within the family are, first of all, a model, even to some extent a model of the future family of your child. Accepting the need for a son or daughter in friendship helps parents keep abreast of children's affairs.
An important aspect in establishing friendship is the ability of parents not to impose their point of view. Whether your child is right or wrong, he must convince himself otherwise, and not because his father or mother said so. The authority of parents is very important for the younger generation, but it is even more important in their face, first of all, to see good friends.
What are good parents? Each of us has a dozen epithets to answer this question. They are caring, attentive, not sleeping at night when the child is sick, helping to do homework, pulling out of any problems, able to wait and help. But most importantly (and most moms and dads are unlikely to disagree with this), good parents are those who were able to become friends with their children.
It is a mistake to think that if you spend a lot of time with your children, talk with them on a variety of topics and have common interests, then you can already call yourself friends. To get the right to be called the best friend, you need to make sure that the child trusts you impeccably. Achieving this is not as easy as it seems. Let's talk about what you need to do to earn the title of friend.
Never deceive your children. This is the main thing. If you made a promise, then be sure to fulfill it, no matter what it costs you. After a few words thrown into the wind one after another, you can lose your friend forever in the face of your child.
It would seem that the more time you spend with your child, the better. Therefore, mothers and fathers who want to be good parents try to devote whole hours to their children. Psychologists say: it's not about how many hours a day you devote to your child. It's not the quantity that matters, but the quality.
Care must not be abused. Most parents strive to put something useful into their child's head every minute. Should not be doing that! Just imagine the situation: you went for a walk and tell your son or daughter something in a foreign language, thereby trying to strengthen his or her knowledge gained from the tutor. Remember that you came to walk, relax, enjoy the weather and children's attractions. Consequently, your teachings and all the information that seems relevant and necessary to you at a given time will not cause anything but irritation.
Experts say that most often all this enlightening itch is needed more by parents than by children. Then do not be surprised when your grown-up children stop letting you into their territory.
Do not try to make your children look like you. Modern parents, of course, are concerned about the fact that children spend more time at computers than on the street, as we used to. Of course, you can teach your child to launch paper boats, make whistles from pods, but think: will it be interesting for them? In this case, you simply indulge in nostalgia for your own childhood. If a son or daughter wants to sit at the computer, even when visiting their friends, then let them sit in good health. Time will pass and their children - your grandchildren - will devote themselves to other activities. And it will seem to you that such a pastime is even more useless. You will not remake all your descendants, imposing your whistles on them?
Do not start important matters concerning your children without their participation. Do you want to buy them warm clothes for the winter? Then ask their opinion on this matter, and make a choice together. Do you want to enroll your child in the sports section? Consult with him. Perhaps he wants to study dancing or music.
Make plans for your family with your children. Sometimes they have a hard time with changes, such as moving, moving to another school. Explain how necessary this is and what advantages your child can get from the current situation.
Engage in dialogue with your children as equals. Do not scold them for the slightest fault. And even for a serious offense, do not make a scandal, and even more so, do not beat. It is better to sit next to you and explain to your son or daughter why it was not worth doing this or that, explain what negative consequences their rash actions may or have already caused. You will see how your children will begin to trust you.
Angelica Arutyunova
Advice for parents "How to become a friend to your child"
How be your child's friend
Friendship parents and children - this is a special relationship that requires, first of all, mutual respect, the ability of an adult to understand child empathize with him, showing tact in dealing with him. In the same time parent remains the eldest, experienced, responsible for life, business, development your child.
Difficulties in relationships child and parents often arise because adults do not understand the experiences of children. The daughter asks to go for a walk, but she is forbidden, since she did not put her things away. The girl is trying to explain that she agreed with girlfriends, they will wait for her - to no avail. Then she runs away without permission. Parents are outraged, and quite rightly so. However, in this case, the responsibility others, interest in communication with peers for the girl turned out to be more important than the prohibition of relatives. Parents in the eyes of a child appeared as not understanding his interests, desires. Misunderstanding starts to seem to kid main in relation to him parents. adult disbelief in child causes him protest already at the age of three. This causes resentment and resentment in a younger student. Children tend to strive to be at the level of their peers, to be "no worse others» . The prohibitions of adults hinder this, prevent them from demonstrating their independence. In the actions of adults, the desire to insure against troubles, unexpected actions is often manifested. child. They seek to forbid him everything that seems dangerous, harmful to them, which can lead to any surprises. It is disbelief in the possibility child causes conflict, creates in the baby the idea that he is considered small, foolish. Fear of being humiliated, especially in the eyes of comrades, negatively affects well-being child. The position of adults in relation to the younger schoolchild as to a creature who knows little, knows how, understands, can be expressed in disparaging statements, in degrading assessments, epithets. Power parents is great: material opportunities, life experience, physical strength - everything is on their side. The authority of an adult is imposed by the force that child forced to obey. As he grows up, he remain dependent on parents, their opinions, requirements. But it is also possible other: protest, disagreement, rejection from the family will gradually ripen.
Basics of friendship parents
The ability to listen truly is one of the main ways of mutual understanding between parents and children.
Ask child why he behaved the way he did. It may turn out that he had a good reason for such actions. Tell your child how they could handle the situation in a different way.
let's child to speak out, don't interrupt him.
When child says look into his eyes so that he understands: You are listening to him.
Pay attention to what movements child accompanies his speech. Gestures will help you understand if the story is difficult for him, and also indicate the need to ask clarifying questions.
Ask child: How do you think you will feel if Vasya hits you?
Such questions teach child understand other people's emotions. We are able to learn how to solve problems correctly if we are aware of feelings and reactions. other people.
After listening child, suggest other solutions.
Help child to overcome his fear.
Remember what you were afraid of as a child? Maybe darkness, ghosts or evil witches? Do you have child-like fears? The only way to find out about it is to talk to him. You are the best person to help his child to exterminate all the evil witches, brownies and gnomes that are hiding under his bed. If your child 4-6 years old, then to get rid of his fear, you can come up with some kind of ritual together. For example, put a magic bear or doll with him in the crib at night, which will guard his sleep. It is very important that your child could openly tell you about what he is afraid of. If child older and soviet fears other, you must teach him to control his emotions and analyze what worries him.
Joint games with child is another way to get in touch.
More than one study has proven how important regular games are for child: it is games that give children the basics of life experience, which then finds application in everyday life. Children learn to work together and rely Each other; generate new ideas and develop creative thinking; relax, and also act in conditions of tension; concentrate; experience both victories and defeats; develop and adhere to certain rules. If your very small child, then games by age are suitable, but if a teenager, then you can have fun playing more complex intellectual games with him. Learn to go back to childhood and become child, after all, frolicking with his child is very fun and pleasant.
Reminder for parents with game tips.
1.Rule One: the game should not include the slightest possibility of risk that threatens the health of children. However, difficult rules that are not easy to follow cannot be thrown out of it.
2.Rule Two: the game requires a sense of proportion and caution. The game should not be too gambling, humiliate the dignity of the players. Sometimes children come up with offensive nicknames for losing the game.
3.Rule Three: Do not arrange special classes, do not pull the guys, even when you have free time: "Let's play chess!" Don't interrupt, don't criticize. Or learn to play with the children, imperceptibly and gradually suggesting your own options for some business, or leave them alone. Volunteering is the basis of the game.
4.Rule Four: don't wait on child fast and great results. Don't rush child don't show your impatience. The most important thing is those happy minutes and hours that you spend with your child. Play, rejoice in discoveries and victories - isn't it for the sake of this that we come up with games, undertakings.
5.Rule Five: Maintain an active, creative approach to play. Children are big dreamers and inventors. They boldly introduce their own rules into the game, complicate or simplify the content of the game. But the game is a serious matter and should not be turned into a concession. to kid, in mercy on the principle "whatever the child amuses".
Joint activities strengthen family relationships.
Take care of your child with common affairs, let it be creativity or plans and dreams for the upcoming vacation, think together about what to give dad on February 23rd. Ask child about helping to prepare a family dinner, then at the table tell all family members that your daughter helped prepare dinner. The main thing that child gladly did the work entrusted to him, if child refuses to help, do not insist on it. Maybe today he is not in the mood for this work, but tomorrow he will offer you his help.
How and what instructions to give the child in the family
2 to 3.5 years
At this age, child may have their own small but permanent responsibilities. The kid is quite capable of hanging his own clothes in the allotted place; neatly put shoes on, coming from the street; put your plate in the sink (if the plate is plastic and the sink is not too high). Also at this age, children are very interested in everyday household chores, whether it is washing dishes, mopping and sweeping floors, participating in cooking and minor repairs, etc. They strive to help adults in this and are very proud of being allowed to do this. Of course, about real help in such "serious" I don’t have to talk about things yet, but, nevertheless, you need to let the baby try his hand and be sure to praise him for trying to help.
3.5 to 5 years
Cognition child standards of conduct and responsibility continues. At this age, the baby may have new areas of responsibility: he can (and already should) put away your toys before bed, make your bed. Also, children can perform simple pet care activities (filling a bowl with water or food, helping to set the table before a family dinner. At this age, part of the care that was on the shoulders of an adult should be transferred to to kid. Now he can be trusted to open and close the water, so that he himself will wash his hands, without controlling this process. The kid should be responsible for his toys and things ( "lost it yourself, look for it yourself").
Be a reliable support for your child.
Sometimes we don't understand what our children are doing. For example, your child hit another child in kindergarten or cut dad's shirt with scissors. Do not rush to immediately scold and punish him, first figure out why he did this. Maybe he just doesn’t have enough of your attention, and, having cut his dad’s shirt, he wants to attract him to him, in a strange way, but still. Or hitting child in the garden, he just defended himself or gave change. Listen your child and believe his words, the main thing is that he knows that you believe him, and then he will not deceive you.
Respect child like an adult.
let's to your child participate in making family decisions about where we move the closet or where we go for the weekend. He should feel like an equal member of the family. listen to the opinion child. If you did wrong in relation to him, be sure to apologize, as you would have done with an adult.
And the most important advice - love your child, no matter how sometimes harmful and naughty it may be.
Love is the greatest need for all children without exception. Exactly parental love and faith form child self-confidence, self-esteem.
Prepared: Arutyunova A. M.
Building a good relationship with your own child is not as difficult a task as it might seem at first glance. There is a widespread belief that one cannot be a child and a friend and a demanding parent at the same time. But, by and large, what is true friendship? After all, this is respect for another person and the desire to see him happy and prosperous, like yourself. All of this is true of parenting as well. See, there is no contradiction here.
So, good friendship includes:
Mutual respect
The time you spend together, in fun or working together
Support, acceptance and understanding
Encouragement and encouragement
Joint problem solving
And respect for differences
Who would refuse to have such a relationship with their child? Of course, there is a slight difference between the friendship of a parent and a child and the friendship of two adults or two teenage peers. After all, parents feel and are responsible for the health and safety of the child. We can't just say, "He's a big guy, let him figure it out." At least not at any age, and at least until we taught him to figure it out on his own.
How to do it? How to teach a child to make informed decisions, make reasonable choices and how to help him grow as an independent person?
It's a matter of trust and security. Children who fully trust their parents are able to have their own opinion, and listen to the experience of other people and make independent choices.
Here is a strategy for building trust and friendship between parent and child:
Play together.
At least ten minutes every day. Board or outdoor games, sports, computer games, quizzes, whatever. Reading together, splashing in the bathroom - the form of the game is not important.
Treat him with respect.
Exactly the way you would like him to treat you. Be completely honest and ask yourself if you would like to be treated in one way or another? Respect your child's interests in music, clothes, hobbies, etc., even if you don't share them.
Know your child's interests and show interest in them. Teach your child new skills and learn from them yourself. Now, in many issues related to modern technology, children can advise their parents, and there is nothing humiliating for parents in this.
Avoid meanness
Don't attack your child with generalizations like "you're always like this!" no matter how angry or annoyed you are. Do not show your disappointment in him if you expected too much from him. Do not frighten him with threats that "you will give him to your uncle policeman" or "now you only care about the wipers." At different ages, these mean things sound different, but they always hurt the child and your relationship with him equally badly. Nobody tells the child that you have stopped loving him.
Encourage
Even if something doesn’t work out for him, don’t make a disappointed face. Mark those details that he succeeded in eating. Suggest trying again. Sometimes the next attempt must be made after the break, do not put pressure on him. Set your child feasible and realistic goals. And be sure to rejoice and praise the child for his success.
Prohibit wisely
Treat him like a smart person. Any prohibition you have must be explained. Even if you pulled your child away from the hot stove at the last moment, be sure to explain to him later why this is dangerous. When forbidding, tell the child how else he can get what he wants and under what conditions. Distract your child when he is upset by your rejection.
And most importantly: before forbidding, ask yourself “what terrible thing will happen if I allow him?”. You will be surprised how much less prohibitions and restrictions will remain in yours and in his life.