Joe Carlin is not the future. George Carlin - The future is not what it used to be. Download free book "The Future Isn't What It Used to Be" by George Carlin

George Carlin is an American actor, comedian, and writer. A troublemaker and misanthrope, shocking, cynical, trampling on foundations, a fierce denouncer of dogmatism and political correctness. A spiteful critic who left no stone unturned in his speeches against American democracy. A fighter against the System, creating in destruction. Winner of five Grammy Awards and the Mark Twain Award, four-time Emmy Award nominee, an atheist who played a cardinal in the film Dogma... Any description of this extraordinary man will be incomplete, which means no one can tell about him better than himself. In his book, Carlin, with inimitable black humor, slaps the hypocritical society and those in power, laughs at the forbidden, doubts the immutable. His merciless gaze does not miss anything - religious dogma, gender stereotypes, politically correct newspeak, mass media, politics, the institution of family... Everyone gets it. And yet, behind all this lies the true humanity of the author, which clearly contradicts the false humanism of the System. Read, laugh through your tears and be outraged through your laughter. And remember the words of George Carlin: the main thing is not to learn to read, the more important thing is to learn to doubt what you read.

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The given introductory fragment of the book The Future Isn't What It Used to Be (George Carlin, 2011) provided by our book partner - the company liters.

Preface

I stay away by choice, but I'm not alone. I'm disgusted by the ugliness of the system. If she were good, I would gladly join her. This is what infuriates me - the fact that I have to stay behind.

My advice: move forward without stopping. So every time you find yourself in a new place.

George's Celebration Message

This book comes out in the fall, so I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas and good luck in the new year. It is clear that everyone cannot be lucky at once. Some of you will die next year, others will suffer accidents, injuries and mutilations, maybe even complete paralysis. Some will be overtaken by incurable diseases, others will be terribly burned in a fire. And let's not forget about robberies and rapes - there will be an abyss of them. It turns out that, despite my wishes, many of you will not live a happy and successful year. Try to live it as best as possible.

Thank you note

From the office of Pegasus-Cocker Wade

What are you looking at?

On the occasion of the release of his new book, “The Future Isn't What It Used to Be,” I would like to wish the author good luck, and let the readers know that in the role of my representative and personal assistant, hired to quell rumors about my same-sex marriage and subsequent divorce from Sir Elton’s dog John, and also that I would soon become a father - George Carlin did not give me any trouble and faithfully carried out assignments, although he was often late, justifying himself with all sorts of nonsense like “other things to do.”

This guy is like us cocker spaniels, and we crave nothing more than the full and undivided attention of our neighbors; he has an easy, balanced character, which quite suits me - if you don’t remember the time when, like Jesus at the Last Supper, he forgot to serve pork ribs. However, let's not start talking about food now. Well... or we will.

Regardless, I'm proud that one of my men—you, Mr. Carlin—didn't disappoint me the way fried tuna often does. And by the way, since we're talking about food, please let me know when those pork ribs finally arrive. We will eat them reverently and wash them down with a glass of good wine.

Modern man

I'm a modern guy

digital, non-smoking;

I'm from the new millennium.

Multifaceted, multicultural,

postmodernist, deconstructionist;

politically, anatomically, ecologically incorrect.

Rebroadcast and downloadable,

input and deleted.

High precision with low thoughts.

Advanced, extra class,

all-wheel drive, multi-tasking;

I give out a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm from the new wave, but old school;

and my inner kinder loves external connections.

I'm energized, heat-seeking,

soft-hearted cracker;

I'm looping through binary data;

I send tasks to the global network;

I'm interactive and hyperactive,

and at times radioactive.

At the tail of the table, at the head of events,

I'm flying on the wave, dodging arrows,

I'm pushing the limits.

I stand my ground, I stay on track, I stay afloat,

I'm not sitting on anything:

no coke, no speed - no nonsense;

and there’s no desire to drink and vomit.

At a pace, on the edge,

above the roof, but below the radar.

High profile, low profile,

strategic nuclear so-this-carrier.

Smart bomb on your mind.

Star bastard.

Folding cart chaser,

admirer of pretty girls, recipient of high visas.

Absolutely indefinite, seasoned, cannon-firing.

Proactive with wide coverage.

A raging workaholic who vehemently hates work;

not in the clinic, but in refusal.

There is a personal trainer,

personal assistant,

personal shopper,

personal planner.

You can't squeeze me

and you won’t be pushed aside.

After all, I am groovy, wireless.

Alpha male on beta blockers.

I don't buy promises

and good beyond expectation;

I run the hustle and follow fashion.

The soul is wide open, I myself am in seclusion;

modest rent, capricious care.

I am large-scale, long-term,

precision, instant action,

ready to go, fault tolerant.

On the step, unsteady at the knees, weak in the head;

prematurely post-traumatic,

receiving hate mail from the fruit of his love.

But I'm sensitive, caring,

I am responsive, sympathetic.

Reliable, loyal, caring,

I always provide first aid.

My productivity has dropped, but my income has increased

on short sales of long securities;

the influx of income brought cash turnover.

I don’t erase dubious letters

I don’t shun questionable food,

I don’t shy away from dubious bonds

and watch low-grade shows.

Gender sensitive, capital intensive,

easy to use hypolactosic.

I love rough sex and wicked love.

I write “e-mine” in e-mails.

There is no soft porn on my hard drive:

only the most hardcore software.

I bought a microwave in a supermarket.

And the minivan is in the megastore.

I drive slowly and eat fast food.

I'm excise-free, easy-to-bite, ready-to-wear,

All sizes available.

Equipped with everything, with the factory mark,

tested on humans, clinically approved,

scientifically proven medical miracle.

Planted, cooked, heated,

pre-screened, pre-selected, assembled,

post-dated, sublimated, sealed,

in vacuum packaging.

And... I have unlimited broadband.

The boy is a bully, but if you get the hang of it, you can't go wrong.

Poor and shabby.

In any weather, on alert;

reckless, dodgy, grated roll.

I go with the flow without unnecessary zeal;

I grow with the tide, I glide as I go.

I'm floundering, I'm spinning, I'm not sitting down,

I'm enjoying myself and I'm working, I'm grinding and I'm fine.

I don't play magic, which means I don't lose.

I'm drowning a piece of iron

for the entire trip.

I have a party, but for lunch I have sausage.

I am again for my own way, and nothing else.

The only way.

End of transmission.

Euphemisms: already a whole newspeak

Euphemisms have flourished in all areas of American life and pop up here and there. They have different natures, but a common essence: these words do not clarify the meaning, but cloud it; veil the truth. However, they are used, and for many reasons.

Sometimes we simply replace words that confuse us. For example, euphemisms " white meat", "dark meat" and "ham" appeared in the Victorian era, when people preferred not to mention certain parts of their body. Few people wanted to hear from Uncle Herbert at dinner: “Don’t thighs, Margaret, give me those juicy rosy ones breast" Such phrases caused awkwardness.

In the same era and for the same reason, chicken navels turned into stomachs. But the word “stomach” sounded too physiological and soon became “stomach”. Which is, in general, a little sad.

I first encountered euphemisms at the age of nine. We were sitting in the living room with Mom and Aunt Lil, and I started talking about the wart on Auntie's face. My mother immediately corrected me: not a wart, but a “beauty mark.”

Here I was embarrassed, because the word “beauty” did not fit Aunt Lil in any way. And he became even more embarrassed when he remembered that Uncle John also had the same brown thing on his face, and in his case it was definitely not a beauty ID. I've since learned that not everything that looks like a wart is a wart: for some people, they're actually marks. With them, as I found out a little later, and expression wrinkles look like crow's feet.

By the way, this nonsense with “marks” worked perfectly: it got to the point that some ladies began to draw them on themselves with an eyebrow pencil - and not a single self-respecting lady would even think of drawing a wart on her face. I can hardly imagine Elizabeth Taylor turning to Joan Crawford and asking: “Give me your pencil, Joanie, I want to draw a wart.”

By the way, a few years after the incident with Aunt Lil, I was already pleased that some people, it turns out, thought about my acne as if it were just mild skin blemishes.

Another task of euphemisms is to slightly ennoble the subject, to cover up the unsightly essence of the matter. Non-profit became non-profit: so that there is no feeling that someone wanted to make money, but got into a puddle. Non-profit - here it is immediately clear that no one expected profit.

But sometimes euphemisms are used to replace words that have absolutely nothing wrong with them: they just seem too common to people. That is why many things that were once given for free, now they give it to you For a present. If you ask a hotel if they have free newspapers, you will make yourself look like a beggar, but the question: “Newspapers as a gift?” – allows you to maintain a faint shadow of dignity. So now in other hotels they offer guests complimentary continental breakfast, and in others they still give free buns.

If you are interested in considering such euphemisms, then you will find a lot of interesting things in this book. I have divided all the euphemisms into groups depending on the function they perform in American speech, as well as how important this function is. I say it's a new language because it's definitely new to me; It wasn't like that when I was growing up. And here is my main point: it was better before.

At first I noticed some isolated cases, but I realized that things were bad when I heard what ordinary people called ideas concepts.

I will return to this topic.

Grit, that's what

Imagine two passenger planes hurtling toward the ground from a high altitude in a death spin. The first is a British Airways plane full of distinguished diplomats and aristocrats from high society. The second is Alitalia, full of uneducated Sicilian, Greek and Turkish peasants. And while they are flying towards certain death, in which of the planes, in your opinion, will there be louder screams and more colorful prayers, curses and blasphemy? You have one try. Hint: this is not a British plane.

Eye Superblaster: order now

Are your eyes dry and itchy? This can happen to anyone. Don't take risks. Call us right now and order an Eye Superblaster - a special portable device that sprays a stream of hot steam over the eyes and quickly relieves unpleasant symptoms. You just press the button and after 45 minutes the steam at the desired temperature and pressure is ready. For 30–40 minutes, you spray your eyes with a stream of hot steam, then immediately immerse your head in ice water for 15 minutes, then repeat the steam treatment. Repeat the procedure seven times and rest. Do not use the Eye Super Blaster more than 15 times in a 24 hour period. Children under five years of age should only use the Super Eye Blaster under adult supervision. Pets must be tied to a chair before the procedure. The Eye Super Blaster is safe for the elderly. Physician approved, but not ophthalmologist approved. Call now.

Hit me, hit me!

Boxing is a sport where two men, striking each other with a series of powerful blows to the head, strive to ensure that the opponent collapses to the floor unconscious, deprived of the ability to act rationally, defend himself, or even just get up. If one knocks the other down but he is not completely unconscious and not completely helpless, the fight is immediately stopped and the first is told to stand aside until the stunned man musters the strength to stand up and take further beatings, and then collapses to the floor again , this time an absolutely motionless idol. After this, the rivals hug as a sign of respect and friendship.

Remember Uncle John?

Hello Billy. I'm Uncle John. I came to wish you good night. You remember Uncle John, right? That time I took you to the beach and we set fire to the sausage stand and three people burned to death? Was it great? Do you remember how you evaded the police? And they hid in the sewer and Uncle John was covered in poop? And wiped himself with your jacket? Do you remember? And then I took you to a bar, got drunk and puked into the jukebox? And sparks flew from there and a fire started? And everyone around was screaming? Remember, right? Do you remember how they screamed? And how did the ambulances arrive? Was it great?

Do you remember that other time? When did I take you to the circus? Did the lion break out and eat the macaque? Was it great? Did you have to shoot the lion? And the macaques got really sad, so they had to be shot too? Was it great? And then the gymnast fell off the trapeze and crashed into the arena, and they had to shoot him too? Did the rest of the gymnasts become seriously sad and had to be shot too? A? Was it great?

Why are you crying, Billy? Please stop. If you don't cry, I'll take you to the rodeo. Isn't that great? Look, they'll trample someone, or even gore them. You know, they have horses and bulls there. Maybe I'll have to shoot some little horse. Or a bull. And if the bull is shot, maybe we will be lucky enough to eat its meat in hamburgers. Will it be great? Don't cry, okay?

Do you remember how you fell out of my car that time? You were looking out the window, and we were turning the corner at speed so as not to crash into that woman? Did you fly out of the window and hit your head on a pole? And the doctor sewed your head up with a huge needle? Billy, I have a boat now. Do you want to go boating? I promise you, I will row carefully. Are you still awake? Billy? Please stop crying.

Count the extra redundant tautological pleonasms

Dear comrades in struggle, I am addressing you as like-minded people, understanding that you must know the true facts. But let me warn you in advance that the subject and topic of my speech concerns a serious crisis caused by events that happened to me in the past: the shooting and murder of a guard guarding a cargo van. During that period of time, I found myself deeply depressed and making intellectual mistakes that seemed to me to ruin my plans for the future. I'm not exaggerating at all to thicken things up.

I wanted to start everything from scratch, and I decided to visit one of my friends, with whom we shared common goals and who is one of the most unique individuals I have personally met. The final result was an unexpected surprise for me. When I repeated to her again that I wanted to start from scratch, she replied that this was the right way, and plus she offered a final solution, absolutely ideal.

Based on her own past experience, she concluded that we need to unite together, and only by being in mutual cohabitation 24 hours a day will we find some new incentives. What a breakthrough innovative solution! And as an added bonus, she gave me a free tuna fish. Right away I noticed immediate positive changes for the better. And although my recovery is not yet completely complete, I summarize as a summary that I feel much better and know that I am not a loner who is on my own.

The executor complex

Hey, are you there? It is we who control your existence. We make decisions that affect all of you. Isn’t it funny that puppeteers have the audacity to talk about everything like this? Be patient, fool. We know everything you do, we know where you go and why. What do you think all these cameras are for? And satellite tracking systems? And social security numbers? You belong to us. And there's nothing you can do about it. Write petitions, stand with posters, complain to the courts, vote and send your stupid letters to whomever you write them to - it will not change anything. Because we control your existence. And we have our own plans for you. Well, now go on sleeping.

They came from heaven

You know, I'm saddened - and even a little depressed - by how differently the media treats those who believe in UFOs and those who believe in an invisible supreme being who lives in the sky. Especially if the latter cling to the fairy tale about Christ the Messiah the Son of God.

You may have noticed that in the newspapers and on television, those who are seriously interested in UFOs are usually referred to as amateurs, thus belittling their occupation and classifying it as a hobby. Indeed, they are crazy idiots - they are stupid enough to assume that in the Universe with its trillions and trillions of stars and, probably, hundreds of billions of habitable planets, there are planets inhabited by creatures capable of doing things that we cannot.

Moreover, believers in an omnipotent and eternal being who demands love and unconditional worship, punishes and rewards at his own whim, are considered worthy, honest and trustworthy citizens. And this despite the fact that among them there are an abyss of ignorant fanatics.

For me, there is no less evidence of the existence of UFOs than there is evidence of the existence of God. And even much more. At the very least, we have countless photographs and videos of UFOs from around the world - never explained, by the way - as well as documented radar readings taken by qualified military and civilian specialists.

And I have not yet mentioned the numerous stories of pilots - highly trained professionals who are selected, among other things, for excellent eyesight and mental stability. Let’s not forget about the testimonies of the police, strong and experienced servants. But pilots and police officers are known to everyone as serious, sober people who, in the last place, would like to be known as adherents of delusional theories. Nevertheless, they still report their sightings because they are convinced that they saw real objects and consider this important.

But journalists don't care about them.

Of course, among those who believe in UFOs, there are some crazy people and holy fools, but just listen to what other “true” believers say! And remember the wild antics and crazy statements of religious fanatics. Shouldn't some of them be considered clinical idiots? In fairness, it should.

But there are marginalized people here and there – this is not an argument in the debate. But the prejudice with which journalists describe these two faiths is an argument. They treat one with respect, present it as a truth sent down to us from above, the other is ridiculed and rejected out of the gate.

To prove my point, I will cite a typical text from the television news that we hear every year on Good Friday:

“Today is Good Friday - Christians all over the world honor it as the day of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who through his death atoned for the sins of mankind.”

And here's how it is must sound:

“Today is Good Friday - Jesus theorists around the world honor it as the day on which this popular cult figure with a beard, sometimes also called Messiah was allegedly crucified on the cross and - as the legend says - died for the so-called sins of humanity. Today, Jesus theorists are beginning to prepare for the holiday of Easter, when, according to widespread belief, the deceased "savior" - who, incidentally, is believed to be the son of an invisible sky-dwelling being known as "God" - mysteriously "resurrected from the dead" "

Legend claims that by voluntarily accepting a violent death, Jesus saved all the people who have ever lived on Earth - and all who have yet to live. will to live - from eternal suffering in a certain burning space, popularly known as “Hell”. However, as the legend says, in order to avoid torture, the “saved person” must firmly believe in this rather fantastic story.”

Here is an example of unbiased reporting. But don't expect it to appear on air. Aliens will land on Earth sooner.

Two commandments

The Ten Commandments haunt me. Why the hell are there ten of them? You don't need that much. In my opinion, the list was artificially inflated. There is an obvious line overlap here.

And that's how it was. About five thousand years ago, a group of religious and political activists gathered to discuss how to better manage the people and keep them in line. Realizing that people are mostly fools and will believe everything they are told, these guys simply announced that God himself had given one of them a list of the Ten Commandments and wanted everyone to follow these commandments. And all this supposedly happened on the top of the mountain, when no one was around.

However, let me ask: when these guys sat and came up with all this, why did they stop at ten? Ten Commandments? Because ten sounds respectable. It sounds official. They understood that if there were eleven points, no one would take them seriously. People will say: “Are you kidding me? Eleven Commandments? Fuck you!”

It's a matter of ten! Ten is serious. This is the basis of the decimal system, this is the decade. This is a psychologically comfortable number: the top ten, the top ten underworld figures, the top ten most stylish. In a word, the fact that there are ten commandments is pure marketing. Well, the list itself is obvious nonsense. In essence, this is a political document, artificially inflated for the sake of better sales.

Now I will show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and get a slightly more logical and practical list. Let's start with the first three points, and I'll take the Roman Catholic option, because that's what I was fed as a child.

I AM THE LORD THY GOD; LET YOU HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE MY FACE.

DO NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD YOUR GOD IN VAIN.

REMEMBER THE SABBATH DAY.

Well, right out of the gate, the first three commandments are complete nonsense. “The Sabbath Day,” “the name of the Lord,” “other gods.” Creepy language. An eerie language, invented to frighten and shepherd primitive people. Such superstitious gibberish has nothing to do with the life of a civilized and enlightened person in the 21st century. We throw out the first three, seven remain.

HONOR YOUR FATHER AND YOUR MOTHER.

This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority, in other words, it is simply a tool for controlling the masses. In fact, obedience and respect should not be automatically guaranteed to anyone. They must be earned. They must be a response to the actions of parents (and any government). Some parents deserve respect. Most don't. Dot. Six left.

Now, in the interests of logic - and religion is really bad at it - I'll jump around the list a little:

DON'T STEAL.

DO NOT SPEAK FALSE WITNESS.

Theft and lies. Actually, if you think about it, these two commandments talk about the same thing - dishonesty. Theft and lies. This means that two commandments are of no use here. Put them together and it comes out: “Don’t be dishonest.” Hop, and there are five left.

And since we started to connect the commandments, I have one more couple:

DO NOT commit adultery.

DO NOT DESIRE YOUR NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.

Again two rules prohibiting the same thing, this time adultery. The only difference between them is that in the latter case, infidelity is mental. And I don’t think that thoughts about other people’s wives should be prohibited: otherwise, what should a guy think about when he gets ready to chase a bald guy?

But marital fidelity is not a bad idea, I propose to preserve it, and let’s call the commandment “Do not cheat.” And now there are four of them.

If you think about it, then honesty and loyalty are parts of one greater virtue. This means that we can combine the two commandments of fidelity with the two commandments of honesty and, replacing negative formulations with positive ones, say this: “Always be honest and faithful.” Thus, there are three of them left. Further.

DO NOT DESIRE ANYTHING THAT YOUR NEIGHBOR HAS.

Well, that's just stupidity. Envy is what drives the economy: your neighbor has a vibrator that plays “Come, Ye Faithful, with Joy,” so you should too. Envy creates jobs. Leave her alone.

We throw out envy, and there are two commandments left: a combined one - about fidelity/honesty and one more, which we have not yet mentioned.

DONT KILL.

Murder. Fifth commandment. However, if you think about it a little, you will understand that murder has never troubled churches and creeds. Not a bit. More people are killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

Take the Irish mess, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the murder of doctors for abortion here in our country, and, of course, the World Trade Center, and you will understand how obedient believers are to the commandment “Thou shalt not kill.” Obviously, for religious people - especially the most devout - murder is acceptable. It all depends on who is killing and who will be killed.

So, guys, with all that said, I offer you my adjusted Two Commandments:

ALWAYS BE HONEST AND LOYAL, ESPECIALLY WITH THOSE WHO ARE GIVING YOU SEX.

And the second:

TRY, AS POSSIBLE, NOT TO KILL ANYONE, OF COURSE, UNLESS THESE PEOPLE ARE PRAYING TO ANOTHER INVISIBLE AVENGER DIFFERENT FROM YOURS.

Two is enough, guys. Moses could have carried them off the mountain in his pocket. And if the list of commandments were like that, I wouldn't mind if that smart judge from Alabama put them in the middle of the courthouse lobby. But only if he added a third commandment:

KEEP YOUR FAITH TO YOURSELF!!!

That's the spirit

I don't understand people who call themselves spiritual advisors. Franklin Graham, Billy Graham's unfortunate offspring, is George W. Bush's spiritual mentor. And Clinton had Jesse Jackson.

This is what I can’t understand: how can another person give you advice about your soul? After all, it seems that the soul is something deeply personal, internal? After all, it seems that by its very nature it cannot be defined, let alone analyzed? What advice can a parasite, who has been engaged in religious self-deception all his life, advise you? In my opinion, a clean wiring.

Nicknamed Junior

I can't respect a guy who allows himself to be called "Junior". I immediately think that he is a dunce and a klutz. In my opinion, junior is smaller, inferior, subordinate. By adding this word to his son's name, the father is thereby trying to control him, humiliate him and prevent him from acquiring his own individuality. I don't like this whole cult of fathers at all. But it seems that some guys have no self-esteem at all, since they put up with all this. And I despise them.

Among the athletes there are a lot of guys who are so hopelessly attached to their daddies that they won’t even take a shit without their father’s permission. And I am especially disgusted by those who were coached by their fathers in high school or college, as well as “continuers of the sports dynasty.” When I see interviews on TV with the sons of coaches or former athletes, they seem like faceless ass-lickers. Why don't they grow up?

GEORGE CARLIN

WHEN WILL JESUS BRING THE PORK CHOPS?

GEORGE CARLIN

THE FUTURE IS NOT WHAT IT BEFORE

Translator Nikolay Mezin

Editor Yulia Bystrova

This book is dedicated to my amazing daughter Kelly:

guardian of sacred DNA, citizen of the world and one of the few Buddhists in America,

really good poker players

Funds for this book came primarily from the starvation of a family of four in Tennessee.

Confessions

I am forever grateful to my editor, Gretchen Young, who endured the final barrage of edits and brought everything together. She also superbly organized a cover for me from the scoundrels at the publishing house, who were jealous of my beautiful teeth and constantly intrigued against me.

To my roommate, cutie Sarah Jane: I love you.

Of course, the people do not want to fight. But, in the end, politics is determined by those in power, and the people will easily go wherever they are driven, even under democracy, even under a fascist dictatorship, even under parliamentarism, even under the communists. Whether they vote or not, people can always be swayed to do what the rulers want. It's simple. You just need to say that the enemy is preparing to attack, and shut up the pacifists, declaring that they do not love their homeland and are abandoning it in trouble. (HERMANN GOERING AT THE NUREMBERG TRIAL)

Everyone's tears are the same. (ONE IRISH WOMAN)

There is absolutely no time. And absolutely nothing to do. (OSCAR LEVANT)

Our main responsibility is to have fun. (SYDNEY J. PERELMAN)

A new day has come. So we need to play. (SALLY WADE)

Preface

I stay away by choice, but I'm not alone. I'm disgusted by the ugliness of the system. If she were good, I would gladly join her. This is exactly what infuriates me - that I have to be left behind.

My advice: move forward without stopping. So every time you find yourself in a new place.

George's Celebration Message

THANK YOU NOTE

On the occasion of the release of his new book, “The Future Isn't What It Used to Be,” I would like to wish the author good luck, and let the readers know that in the role of my representative and personal assistant, hired to refute rumors about my same-sex marriage and subsequent divorce from Sir Elton’s dog John, and also that I would soon become a father - George Carlin did not give me any trouble and conscientiously carried out assignments, although he was often late, justifying himself with all sorts of nonsense like “other things to do.”

This guy is like us cocker spaniels, and we crave nothing more than the full and undivided attention of our neighbors; He has an easy, balanced character, which suits me quite well - if you don’t remember the time when, like Jesus at the Last Supper, he forgot to serve pork ribs. However, let's not start talking about food now. Well... or we will.

Regardless, I'm proud that one of my men - you, Mr. Carlin - didn't disappoint me the way fried tuna often does. And by the way - since we're talking about food after all - please let me know when those pork ribs finally arrive. We will eat them reverently and wash them down with a glass of good wine.

Modern man

I'm a modern guy, digital, non-smoker;

I'm from the new millennium.

Multifaceted, multicultural, postmodernist, deconstructionist;

politically, anatomically, ecologically incorrect.

Relayed and downloaded, input and deleted. High precision with low thoughts.

Advanced, top-class, all-wheel drive, multi-tasking; I give out a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm from the new wave, but old school;

and my inner kinder loves external connections.

I'm an energized, heat-seeking, soft-hearted cracker;

I'm looping through binary data; I send tasks to the global network;

I am interactive and hyperactive, and at times radioactive.

At the tail of the table, at the head of events, I fly on the wave, dodge arrows, push the limits.

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Quote

I stay away by choice, but I'm not alone. I'm disgusted by the ugliness of the system. If she were good, I would gladly join her.

When your toilet is leaking and you put your hand in the tank,
to adjust the valve, doesn't it occur to you,
just for a moment that the water in the tank has already been in the toilet?

In the future they will build a time machine,
but no one will have time to use it.

George Carlin

What is the book “The Future Is Not What It Was” about?

The author, with his characteristic “dark” humor and insight, debunks the myths and cults that are firmly rooted in the consciousness of modern man, and gives a slap in the face to the hypocritical American society and those in power. His merciless gaze does not miss anything: religious dogmas, gender stereotypes, politically correct newspeak, mass culture, politics, the institution of the family are examined without “rose-colored glasses” - with sarcasm and impartiality. Brutally and wittily revealing the contradictions between reality and people’s idealized idea of it, Karlin exposes the weakness of modern man, dependent on the state, church, mass media and “public opinion.”

Why The Future Is Not What It Was Worth Reading

The first book by the cult author, who has earned a reputation as a “trampler of foundations” and a fighter against the system, published in Russian;
The author reveals to the reader a “new America”, cleared of politically correct husk, religious bigotry and double standards
A brilliant and witty book in which, in addition to harshly ridiculing social vices masquerading as virtues, the topic of euphemisms in American English and their influence on cultures is perfectly explored;
Being an atheist and anti-clerical, the author, with his characteristic sarcasm and observation, destroys the halo of infallibility that surrounds the church today, accusing it of hypocrisy, the desire for power and selfish aspirations.

Who is author

George Carlin (1937-2008) — American actor, comedian, writer. Author of 5 books and more than 20 music albums, starred in 16 films. Winner of five Grammy Awards and the Mark Twain Award, four-time Emmy Award nominee. A bully, a spiteful critic and a misanthrope... with many admirers all over the world.

Video presentation of the book

Key Concepts

Review of the book “The Future Is Not What It Was Before”

I read the book of the satirist-terrorist George Carlin, laughing out loud, and from time to time I frowned with pleasant indignation. This is the first satirical book I've read, and I'm even a little glad that I got acquainted with real American satire, funny in its rudeness. ...

Editor Yu. Bystrova

Project Manager I. Seregina

Corrector M. Milovidova

Computer layout E. Sentsova, Y. Yusupova

Cover designer I. Yuzhanina

Published with permission from Hyperion. Originally published as When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? Hyperion, USA

All rights reserved. No part of the electronic copy of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet or corporate networks, for private or public use without the written permission of the copyright owner.

This book is dedicated to my amazing daughter Kelly: keeper of the sacred DNA, citizen of the world, and one of the few Buddhists in America who is truly good at playing poker.

Funds for this book came primarily from the starvation of a family of four in Tennessee.

Confessions

I am forever grateful to my editor, Gretchen Young, who endured the final barrage of edits and brought everything together. She also superbly organized a cover for me from the scoundrels at the publishing house, who were jealous of my beautiful teeth and constantly intrigued against me.

To my roommate, cutie Sarah Jane: I love you.

Of course, the people do not want to fight. But, in the end, politics is determined by those in power, and the people will easily go wherever they are driven, even under democracy, even under a fascist dictatorship, even under parliamentarism, even under the communists. Whether they vote or not, people can always be swayed to do what the rulers want. It's simple. You just need to say that the enemy is preparing to attack, and shut up the pacifists, declaring that they do not love their homeland and are abandoning it in trouble.

– Hermann Goering at the Nuremberg Trials

Everyone's tears are the same.

- one Irish woman

There is absolutely no time. And absolutely nothing to do.

– Oscar Levant

Our main responsibility is to have fun.

– Sydney J. Perelman

A new day has come. So we need to play.

– Sally Wade

Preface

I stay away by choice, but I'm not alone. I'm disgusted by the ugliness of the system. If she were good, I would gladly join her. This is what infuriates me - the fact that I have to stay behind.

My advice: move forward without stopping. So every time you find yourself in a new place.

George's Celebration Message

Thank you note

From the office of Pegasus-Cocker Wade

What are you looking at?

Modern man

I'm a modern guy
digital, non-smoking;
I'm from the new millennium.
Multifaceted, multicultural,
postmodernist, deconstructionist;
politically, anatomically, ecologically incorrect.
Rebroadcast and downloadable,
input and deleted.
High precision with low thoughts.
Advanced, extra class,
all-wheel drive, multi-tasking;
I give out a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
I'm from the new wave, but old school;
and my inner kinder loves external connections.
I'm energized, heat-seeking,
soft-hearted cracker;
I work with voices that decompose into organic matter.
I'm looping through binary data;
I send tasks to the global network;
I'm interactive and hyperactive,
and at times radioactive.
At the tail of the table, at the head of events,
I'm flying on the wave, dodging arrows,
I'm pushing the limits.
I stand my ground, I stay on track, I stay afloat,
I'm not sitting on anything:
no coke, no speed - no nonsense;
and there’s no desire to drink and vomit.
At a pace, on the edge,
above the roof, but below the radar.
High profile, low profile,
strategic nuclear so-this-carrier.
Smart bomb on your mind.
Star bastard.
Folding cart chaser,
admirer of pretty girls, recipient of high visas.
Absolutely indefinite, seasoned, cannon-firing.
Proactive with wide coverage.
A raging workaholic who vehemently hates work;
not in the clinic, but in refusal.
There is a personal trainer,
personal assistant,
personal shopper,
personal planner.
You can't squeeze me
and you won’t be pushed aside.
After all, I am groovy, wireless.
Alpha male on beta blockers.
I don't buy promises
and good beyond expectation;
I run the hustle and follow fashion.
The soul is wide open, I myself am in seclusion;
modest rent, capricious care.
I am large-scale, long-term,
precision, instant action,
ready to go, fault tolerant.
On the step, unsteady at the knees, weak in the head;
prematurely post-traumatic,
receiving hate mail from the fruit of his love.
But I'm sensitive, caring,
I am responsive, sympathetic.
Reliable, loyal, caring,
I always provide first aid.
My productivity has dropped, but my income has increased
on short sales of long securities;
the influx of income brought cash turnover.
I don’t erase dubious letters
I don’t shun questionable food,
I don’t shy away from dubious bonds
and watch low-grade shows.
Gender sensitive, capital intensive,
easy to use hypolactosic.
I love rough sex and wicked love.
I write “e-mine” in e-mails.
There is no soft porn on my hard drive:
only the most hardcore software.
I bought a microwave in a supermarket.
And the minivan is in the megastore.
I drive slowly and eat fast food.
I'm excise-free, easy-to-bite, ready-to-wear,
All sizes available.
Equipped with everything, with the factory mark,
tested on humans, clinically approved,
scientifically proven medical miracle.
Planted, cooked, heated,
pre-screened, pre-selected, assembled,
post-dated, sublimated, sealed,
in vacuum packaging.
And... I have unlimited broadband.
The boy is a bully, but if you get the hang of it, you can't go wrong.
Poor and shabby.
In any weather, on alert;
reckless, dodgy, grated roll.
I go with the flow without unnecessary zeal;
I grow with the tide, I glide as I go.
I'm floundering, I'm spinning, I'm not sitting down,
I'm enjoying myself and I'm working, I'm grinding and I'm fine.
I don't play magic, which means I don't lose.
I'm drowning a piece of iron
for the entire trip.
I have a party, but for lunch I have sausage.
I am again for my own way, and nothing else.
The only way.
End of transmission.

Euphemisms: already a whole newspeak

By the way, a few years after the incident with Aunt Lil, I was already pleased that some people, it turns out, thought about my acne as if it were just mild skin blemishes.

At first I noticed some isolated cases, but I realized that things were bad when I heard what ordinary people called ideas concepts.

I will return to this topic.

Grit, that's what

Eye Superblaster: order now

Hit me, hit me!

Remember Uncle John?

Count the extra redundant tautological pleonasms

The executor complex

They came from heaven

But journalists don't care about them.

To prove my point, I will cite a typical text from the television news that we hear every year on Good Friday:

“Today is Good Friday - Christians all over the world honor it as the day of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who through his death atoned for the sins of mankind.”

And here's how it is must sound:

Here is an example of unbiased reporting. But don't expect it to appear on air. Aliens will land on Earth sooner.

In his book, Carlin, with inimitable black humor, slaps the hypocritical society and those in power, laughs at the forbidden, doubts the immutable. His merciless gaze does not miss anything - religious dogmas, gender stereotypes, politically correct newspeak, mass media, politics, the institution of family... Everyone gets it. And yet, behind all this lies the true humanity of the author, which clearly contradicts the false humanism of the System.

Read, laugh through your tears and be outraged through your laughter. And remember the words of George Carlin: the main thing is not to learn to read, the more important thing is to learn to doubt what you read.