In the life of every person there comes a moment when he some serious decision needs to be made, which can greatly change his fate. As a rule, if a person realizes all the difficulty of his position, then making such decisions is very difficult... Fateful decisions are easy to make when you're not thinking or when you don't understand what. How can a person who understands their position and is faced with the need to make a difficult decision find support? I invite you to think with me on possible answers to this question.
Give yourself time
To make any decision you need time... And it's good if we are for these purposes allocate it to ourselves... In the old days, sages could specifically retire in order to better concentrate on some important issue... Now the pace of our life is so high that it becomes more difficult to stop for a while and concentrate on something important for ourselves. And without this it is very difficult to make a decision. After all, it is so important to think, analyze your situation, find and be disappointed in certain decisions, go to a dead end, and then again look for a way out of it. All these are integral parts of the search and decision-making. And if we do not give ourselves time, then decisions can be impulsive and thoughtless, based on a fleeting mood, or else.
Reliance on feelings
Somehow it turns out that in difficult situations ours. Or there are so many “smart” thoughts that you can get lost in them; or the wind starts to walk in the head and the mind refuses to work. In this case, relying on your own feelings can help. Only this should be reliance not on momentary emotions (joy, anger, fear, etc.), but for deep feelingsthat live in each of us. It is very easy for someone to hear the voice of these feelings inside him, and he just needs to listen to himself, while someone does not know at all how to hear the wave of his feelings in the general noise enveloping the soul. I will share with you the advice of a friend of mine who told me how he does it. Personally, I really liked his advice.
So, first you will need to find a quiet place where you can retire. Once you've done this, find something nearby to focus your attention on. Better if it is some kind of shiny object (it is easier to focus on this for a long time). Sit comfortably, fix your gaze on this object, and while sitting like this, begin to gradually listen to yourself. To do this, imagine that there is emptiness, silence, nothing inside you. Hear this silence and emptiness. Don't let your thoughts distract you from this silence. And if thoughts are distracting, then just note what they are about and let go. Gradually, something will begin to manifest in this emptiness. Notice what comes to the surface. These are the feelings we are looking for. They can appear in the form of images, vague premonitions, sensations in the body. As soon as you notice something in yourself, try to listen to it, and give the opportunity to unfold your experiences.
This whole procedure can be figuratively represented as follows. You are walking through the forest and you need to get out onto the road along which cars drive. This road is far away. You walk and behind the crunch of branches and leaves under your feet, you do not hear in which direction this road. You stop and freeze in order to listen to where the road is. And you do not hear it immediately, but only after a short period of time, when the ear is tuned to silence and the hearing is sharpened. So it is with feelings. You must first stop and stop all your inner work, and then listen to where the “sound of your feelings” comes from within you.
If you manage to hear the voice of your feelings, hear your true desires, then this can provide support and direction in which you would like to move. And if such a general direction becomes clear, then it is much easier to make a decision (and sometimes it becomes just self-evident).
Self-deception test
An important guideline when making a decision can be feeling of inner harmony... This feeling can appear in reverse, in the form feelings, if you refuse a decision, or, on the contrary, internally press on the need to make it. Usually this feeling is like some kind of inner discomfort, something gnaws inside and torments, as if you betray yourself. It is very important to ask yourself in a difficult situation: “Why am I here? Why would I do this and that? What is the point of my decision? " If you do not know what decision to make, then it is worth asking about the meaning of the situation in which you are forced to make a decision. Why did you end up in it? Why did you come to it? By finding answers to these questions, you can better understand why you are in a decision or choice situation. And then you can ask yourself if you are betraying what you came into this situation for, and yourself at the same time, choosing this or that decision.
Dealing with doubts
I must say that doubts often arise in the event that if the decision is made under pressure(internal or external). If the decision is hard-won and internally matured, then doubts and regrets do not arise. Well, if the choice is not yet ripe internally, but it needs to be made as soon as possible, then confusion and a desire to find the “right” solution appear. In this state, any choice will be wrong. Such a decision will always be followed by a train of regrets and doubts. There is only one way out - to think about what makes you right now ("as soon as possible") make a choice and make a decision. More precisely, what does not suit you in that? And here it is better to think about what else can be done to remove this internal dissatisfaction without radically changing the situation.
Generally speaking, the best advice here is do not put pressure on yourself... Don't force yourself to make a decision. Allow yourself not to accept it. Relax. Become like a samurai who with an unshakable spirit stands on the edge of the cliff and looks at blue skyenjoying its beauty. Take your time and allow yourself to take a closer look at the situation.
Resignation to the victim
In any choice, in any decision, you, one way or another, have to give up something... There is something important and valuable that must be sacrificed when choosing this or that alternative. You should be prepared for this. In order to survive the victim more effectively (so to speak), it is necessary to approach it with the knowledge that what exactly are you missing... When you clearly understand what you are giving up, then it is easier for you to experience the consequences of making such a difficult decision.
In order to better understand what you have to give up, try to end this sentence inside yourself: "I will never again ..."... Saying within yourself all that you have to part with, you can, on the one hand, better understand the importance of one or another alternative and, on the other hand, gain courage and readiness to take responsibility for decision... One way of helping to accept this sacrifice is to realize what you are paying for in the form of those benefits that you give up. This is your choice, and for every life choice we have to pay with something and sacrifice something for something more valuable to us.
Final point
To give your decision more weight, you need "Pump it up with energy"... How to do it? There are two options here. On the one hand, you can take one of the alternatives that you want to refuse and imagine the worst possible scenario. This can be done by saying to yourself the following words: "if I choose this and that, then I will suffer all my life from this and that." You can do it like this.
And you can find the positive that is in the choice to which you are inclined, and keep it in mind, in your imagination, keep it as a goal, as the lighthouse to which you want to lead your ship... Can more often remember the good things for which you strive, especially in moments of doubt and hesitation.
Today I will tell you what methods will allow you make the right decision and learn to make decisions in general. This article will be based not only on my experience, but also on the decision-making methodology outlined in the famous book by Chip Heath and Dean Heath - “. This technique helps to make effective choices in business, in, in a career and in education. Here I will outline the main points of this technique, and also talk about what helps me personally in finding the right solutions.
Method 1 - Avoid "tight boxes"
We often fall into the trap of "narrow frames" when our thinking reduces all the diversity possible solutions there are only two problems: "Yes or no", "to be or not to be"... "Should I divorce my husband or not?" "Should I buy this particular expensive car or take the subway?" "Should I go to a party or stay at home?"
When we only choose between “Yes or No,” we are really stuck with only one alternative (eg, breaking up with a husband, making a purchase) and ignoring others. But maybe besides breaking up with your partner and returning to the status quo, there are other options in your relationship. For example, try, discuss problems, go to family psychologist etc.
If you decide not to buy an expensive car on credit, this does not mean that exhausting subway rides are your only remaining alternative. You can probably buy a cheaper car. But, perhaps, the most correct choice will lie in a different plane of decisions. Maybe it will be more convenient and profitable to rent a house closer to work. Or change a job that is less distant from home.
An alternative to choosing between different breeds of cats or dogs, perhaps going to the kennel and choosing a homeless pet that you like best will be for you.
This seems like an obvious choice-thinking tactic, but nevertheless, many people continue to fall into the same pitfalls. There is always the temptation to reduce the problem to a “Yes” or “No” dichotomy. We instinctively strive for this, because it is much easier to consider the problem only in black and white, and not in all its diversity. But it turns out that with this approach we only create difficulties for ourselves.
We also often try to consider the choice between the two extremes, although it is possible to find a compromise between them in the middle. Or we do not notice that both of these extremes can be realized at the same time, and in fact, it is not at all necessary to choose one of them.
Method 2 - Expand Your Choices
This method is a development of the previous method. Many of us are aware of situations when we want to make an important purchase, for example, to buy an apartment. We arrive at the first apartment and are fascinated by them appearance, and the realtor offers "favorable" terms of the transaction and thereby provokes us to make a quick decision. And we are already thinking not about “which apartment to choose”, but about “whether to buy this particular apartment or not to buy it”.
Do not hurry. Better to see five apartments, instead of buying the first one you come across. First, it will allow you to better navigate the real estate market. Perhaps there are better suggestions. Second, the time you spend looking at the rest of the sentences will "cool down" your instant emotions. And momentary emotions always get in the way the right choice... While you are under their influence, you may lose sight of some obvious disadvantages of the apartment you like, but as time passes, you will be able to see the whole picture more clearly.
We become too attached to the goal for which our thinking is initially attuned. And this forms a strong inertia in decision-making: we are ready to see only what confirms our decision, and what contradicts it, we ignore. For example, you wanted to enter a certain university from school. After a few years, you failed your entrance exams. And now you think about how to prepare hard and try your luck again in a year. You reject all the arguments of friends in favor of choosing another university, since you are used to thinking that your choice is the best.
But what if in the few years that it took you to graduate from school, the situation has changed and the university you want to enter is no longer the same? What if new promising educational institutions have appeared? Do not get attached to your choice and do a comparative analysis. Expand your choice! Check out the curriculum and teaching staff at other institutions. What other universities offer a similar program?
The helper method of “disappearing options” will help you to become less attached to one alternative.
Variants disappearing method
Imagine that the alternative that you have chosen cannot be chosen for some reason. For example, the university you want to enter, let's say, is closed. Now think about what you would do if this really happened. And start doing it. You would probably consider other possibilities, and you will probably discover in the process how many great options you have missed out on by getting stuck on one alternative.
Method 3 - Obtain as much information as possible
The authors Chip and Dean Heath are surprised that it is common practice for many people to read reviews before buying electronics, booking hotels or choosing hairdressing salons. But at the same time, when it comes to choosing a job or university, fewer people use this wonderful practice, which helps to obtain a lot of valuable information.
Before making a decision about employment in a particular company, you can study the reviews of people who worked in it. This is better than relying only on the information that HR and your future boss provide you.
The Heath brothers suggest asking one question for this in the interview.
“Who worked in the position before me? What is his name and how can I contact him? "
There is nothing wrong with trying to get information firsthand. When I found out about this practice, I was surprised that despite the obvious benefits of this approach, it never crossed my mind to use it during my job search!
You may not always be given the contacts of these people. In this case, it will help you to get information practice of leading questions.
This practice is good because it allows you to get information from someone who is reluctant to share it.
At the interview:
Instead of asking what prospects and conditions you offer (you may be promised brilliant prospects and good conditions labor), ask more direct questions:
“How many people have resigned from this position in the past three years? Why did this happen? Where are they now?"
Asking the question in this way will help you get more reliable information about your future work.
In the shop:
One study found that when sales consultants motivated to sell as many products as possible were asked, "Tell me something about this iPod model," only 8% reported a problem. But when they had to answer the question: "What problems does he have?" 90% of all managers honestly reported the flaws of this model.
Method 4 - Get rid of momentary emotions
As I wrote above, instant emotions can greatly interfere with decision making. They make you lose sight of something important and concentrate on little things that later turn out to be irrelevant.
Many of us face the difficult results of impulsive and unconscious choices, realizing that during the decision making process, we were blinded by emotions and did not see the full picture.
This may involve an early marriage or impulsive divorce, expensive purchases or employment. How to avoid the influence of these emotions? There are several ways.
The first way to get rid of emotions - 10/10/10
This method allows you to go beyond the narrow perspective that instant impulses establish. It consists in asking yourself three questions before making a decision:
- How do I react to this decision in 10 minutes?
- And in 10 months?
- What will happen in 10 years?
For example, you fell in love with another man and want to leave your children and leave your husband. If you make this decision, what will you think of it in 10 minutes? Probably, the euphoria of falling in love and a new life will rage in you! Of course, you won't regret your decision.
But after 10 months, passion and love will subside (this always happens) and perhaps when the veil of euphoria that has covered your eyes disappears, you will see the shortcomings of a new partner. At the same time, a bitter sense of loss of something dear will begin to manifest. You may find that what you used to take for granted was actually an advantage of your previous relationship. And this is no longer in your new relationship.
It is very difficult to predict what will happen in 10 years. But perhaps, after the ardor of love has passed, you will realize that you have come to the same thing that you were running from.
Of course, I am not saying that it will be so for everyone. For many relationships the best solution there will be a divorce. But, nevertheless, I am sure that many divorces happen impulsively and thoughtlessly. And it is better to weigh everything thoroughly and distance yourself from the glamor of euphoria in anticipation of changes.
The second way to get rid of emotions - Breathe
Before making any important choice, give yourself a little time out. Take 10 calm full and slow breaths of equal duration. For example, 6 slow inhale counts - 6 slow exhale counts. And so 10 cycles.
This will calm you well and cool your ardor. Well, do you still want to order this expensive trinket that you do not need, just because you saw the same from a colleague?
This method can be combined with the previous one. Breathe first and then apply 10/10/10.
The third way to get rid of emotions - "Ideal self"
I came up with this method when I could not make one decision. And he helped me a lot (I wrote about him in more detail in the article ""). Think about what would make your "ideal self" or what would be the ideal scenario for the development of events under existing constraints. For example, you think you should go to a booze today or stay at home with your wife and children. Many factors in decision-making will compete with each other: a sense of duty and the urge to drink, caring for children and health with the need to have fun.
What to do? Think about what would be the ideal option. Just stay realistic. I understand that ideally you would like to split in two, so that one part of you stays at home and the other comes off at a party, while alcohol would not bring her any harm and hangover the next day. But it doesn't work that way. With the restrictions in place, it would be ideal to stay home, because last week you promised yourself to drink less often. You realize that your wife rarely sees you and if you don't go to the party, you will feel better the next day.
You don't need to think about what you want more. Because, if you want something, it doesn’t mean that you need it... Desires are fickle and fleeting. Now you want one. But tomorrow you may regret indulging your instant desire. Think about which option would be correct. What would an ideal husband do?
The fourth way to get rid of emotions - What advice would you give to a friend?
Imagine that you want to change your job to a more comfortable and highly paid one, but you are afraid of changes, you are afraid to be disappointed, you don’t want to let your colleagues down, and you worry about what your boss will think of you in connection with your departure. Because of this, you cannot decide on this in any way.
But what if this choice is not in front of you, but in front of your friend. What advice would you give him? Surely, if he shared with you his fears about the disappointments and opinions of the boss, you would answer him: “Come on, stop thinking about any nonsense! Do what is best for you. "
Surely many of you have noticed that you can give good and reasonable advice to your friends on solving some situations, but at the same time, you yourself behave unreasonably in similar situations. Why? Because when we think about another person's decision, we only look at the essentials. But when it comes to ourselves, a heap of all sorts of little things that we attach exaggerated importance to immediately pop up. Therefore, in order to get rid of the influence of these insignificant things on your decision, think about what you would advise your friend if he found himself in a similar situation.
The fifth way to get rid of emotions is to just wait.
Remember, a quick decision is very often a bad decision because it can be made emotionally. You don't have to listen to impulsive desires every time. In some cases, it makes sense to just wait and not make a spontaneous choice. Impulsive desires, on the one hand, are quite intense and can be difficult to cope with. On the other hand, they are fleeting and you just have to wait a while, and this desire will disappear. You will realize that what seemed like a necessity a couple of hours ago, you don't really need it.
Personally, I like to give some decision "ripen" in my head, give it time, provided that I have nowhere to rush. This does not mean that I think about him all the time. I can do some business, and suddenly the decision will appear by itself. It even happens that I make a decision instantly, but I am in no hurry to implement it if it concerns important and long-term things.
In a few days, details may "pop up" in my head that can change my choice. Or on the contrary, I will understand that the first thought was the right thought, only now, I will be sure of it.
The sixth way to get rid of emotions is to stay focused.
This method is suitable in situations where you need to take quick decisionswhile under psychological pressure, for example, during an interview.
As a poker lover, I know how important it is to stay focused in order not to succumb to instant emotions. Poker is basically a decision-making game. I have noticed that when my mind wanders somewhere far from the game between hands, I do unreasonable and emotional actions when it’s my turn to bet. But if I focus on the game, even when I’m not in the distribution, for example, I’m just watching the opponents, it allows my mind to be on the alert, constantly monitor everything around me and myself, think only about the game and not let unnecessary thoughts and emotions into brain.
So, for example, during a job interview, keep your focus on the process. Listen to everything they tell you. Don't let extraneous thoughts enter your head, such as: "What did they think of me?", "Didn't I say too much?" Think about it later. But for now, be here now. This will help you make the right choice.
Method 10 - When not to use all of these methods
When you look at all of these methods, it seems that decision making is a very complex process. In fact, these strategies are designed to help you make choices in which each alternative is defined by a set of advantages and disadvantages. But what if there are no flaws? What if you don’t lose anything if you choose an option?
Then forget about all these tips, go ahead and see what happens.
For example, you saw a pretty girl on the street, you are alone and are just looking for a mate. Stop scrolling the pros and cons in your head. You won't lose anything if you come up and meet. This is an absolutely simple solution.
Such situations are an exception. The more you think in them and weigh decisions, the more uncertainty and the chances of missing an opportunity grow. Therefore, where the choice does not cost you anything, think and act less!
Conclusion - A little about intuition
The methods I have talked about are attempts to formalize decision making. Provide clarity and clarity to this process. But I do not want to belittle the role of intuition.
These methods should not confuse you, instilling in you the illusory confidence that any decisions lend themselves to reason and dry analysis. This is not true. Often the choice is characterized by a lack of complete information and you will have to accept the fact that in many situations it is impossible to know in advance with 100% certainty which solution will be better. Sometimes you just need to choose something, and then it will be clear whether you made the right choice or not.
Therefore, you need to use your intuition, instead of waiting for your methods to give you an unambiguous prediction of the correctness of one or another alternative. But at the same time, you cannot overestimate its role and rely too much on your "insides". For this, there is a formalized approach, which is designed to adjust the balance between your mind and feelings, logic and intuition. The art of making decisions lies in the right balance between these things!
Fighting doubt is the most difficult thing that a successful entrepreneur has to cope with every day: accept or not an offer, take an order or refuse, invest in a project or not. Sometimes, these kinds of doubts help you make the right choice and not lose money, but what if it interferes with doing business? To understand yourself and find the answer to the question "What to do when you cannot make a decision?" the recommendations of psychologists will help.
Faced with the inability to choose between alternatives, you need to understand the root cause that prevents you from making a decision. Observe the situation from the outside, think about other solutions or just take a break: very often what at first seemed like a difficult and difficult task is easily solved with a fresh mind. For example, if you are concerned about the issue of taking money, then after thinking well, you will find a solution to this problem, including taking money in loans - zajmy.kz.
Many mistakes are made because people are used to making decisions based on the voice of reason, forgetting about the presence of a "sixth" sense. When a person acts at the behest of his heart, he does not have black bars, and all his decisions are correct, and he will never regret them.
Are you ready to make the final choice, but need to compromise with your conscience? Refuse this decision and try to find another way out of the situation, because You still will not get moral satisfaction from the implementation of your plan. And remember, the human mind is used to looking for the easiest solution. But if you have to solve a difficult, confusing situation, the answer does not lie on the surface, and in order to find the right solution, you need to scroll through hundreds of combinations and variations in your head.
It is doubt that becomes a stumbling block for the implementation of projects that could bring a consistently high income. Just imagine what would happen if Steve Jobs doubted the feasibility of developing computer technology or if Bill Gates for some reason refused to create the Windows operating system?
The ability to understand the inevitability of choice distinguishes successful businessman from hired workers, because starting a business involves an independent solution to any situation: from minor conflicts between subordinates to choosing the strategic development of the company. That is why many decisions have to be made under the heading "it should be."
When the choice is made, there is not so much left: to implement the plan. But even at this stage, doubt may "lie in wait" for you. What can you do to avoid this? If you ask this question to psychologists, they will offer 2 alternatives:
1. Imagine that instead of the chosen course of action, you chose the worst-case scenario. What could have happened in this case? This practice will help you once again make sure that your decision is correct.
2. Twist in your imagination, like a slide, the positive moments that the implementation of the chosen solution will give you. This will help you clearly understand the ultimate goal for which your entire company is working.
Over the course of our lives, we have to make various decisions many times. And it often happens that we hesitate: to act this way or otherwise?Or we don’t understand at all how we should act ... What to do in such cases? How to behave so that you do not regret what you have done later? In fact, there are many ways to help you.
Method one. Reasoning.
It is suitable for people who think rationally, who are used to reasoning with.
Try to calculate the consequences of this or that action. Your best bet is to write all the pros and cons on a piece of paper to make it clearer. Let's say you were offered new jobbut you are in doubt whether to agree or not. Take a sheet, divide it into two halves and on one write down all the advantages of the proposed position, for example, "big salary", "growth prospects", "social package", on the second - negative factors - "work far from home", "irregular schedule" , "Little information about this company" and so on.
Look at both halves of the sheet and calculate how many pros and cons you got. Now highlight what is your priority. After all, suppose a salary and career may well compensate for some inconvenience. And it also happens that money and career are not the main thing for you, and you want to return home early and spend the weekend with your family. This method will simply help you to visually put everything on the shelves, and so it will be easier to finally make a decision.
Method two. Intuition.
Suitable for people with an intuitive mindset. Listen to what. If you were offered a job or, say, a marriage, and the offer seems to be good, but for some reason you are not tempted to accept it, so maybe you shouldn't? And, on the contrary, if your mind doubts, and your heart prompts you to do just that, shouldn't you follow his lead? If earlier your intuitive premonitions have already been justified, then it means that you can well trust them.
Method three. Try fate.
This is for magically minded citizens. It's about different. Not even necessarily traditional, like cards or I Ching. You can just think, "If the next candy I get from this bag is green, then I will go to this place, and if red, then I will refuse the trip." The main thing is to get the candy without looking.
You can "tell fortunes" and with the help of a clock. Connoisseurs say that if on the watch face when you glance at it. there will be a "kush" - say, 11 hours 11 minutes, then you can be sure that the upcoming meeting or enterprise will be successful for you. If the first two digits are more than the second two, say 21 hours zero three minutes, you should not rush to make a decision. If on the contrary, for example, the clock shows 15:39, it means that the time is running out for you: hurry up so as not to miss your chance.
Now on sale there are special balls for making decisions. You formulate a question, shake the ball and look at the answer in the window. Just remember that the ball does not predict the future, but only tells you what to expect and how best to act in a given situation.
Method four. Reading the signs of fate.
Suitable for those who are interested, if not mysticism, then psychology, etc. When thinking about a solution, pay attention to what is happening around you. Suppose you are about to go somewhere, but are in doubt whether to go or not. And then all of a sudden the phones start ringing and requests of acquaintances fall on you, you lose the keys to the apartment and find that the sole of the shoes flew off ... Most likely, Providence tells you: you should not go to this meeting.
Or someone offers you cooperation, and his surname turns out to be the same as that of a person whom you knew many years ago and with whom you had some unpleasant situation ... Is it by chance?
Or are you planning a trip, and suddenly, by a strange coincidence, you come across a post on the Web of a former client of the same travel company, who recalls with horror how he used its services ...
They ask you for a large amount of debt, and then the title of the note catches your eye: "Firm N has gone bankrupt" ...
You have had a stabbing in your lower back for the third month already, but you have no way of deciding whether to go to the doctor. And then catch a snippet of someone else's conversation in the subway: "I did an ultrasound scan yesterday, they said - a kidney stone ..."
You are wondering whether it is worth going on a date to the gentleman who invited you, and they sing on the radio: “Don't go to his meeting, don't go. He has a granite stone in his chest. " Isn't it a hint?
A "picture" can also carry a hint. For example, you are not sure whether you should connect fate with this particular person. And suddenly you see a couple of tender swans on the pond. Or, on the contrary, you meet a couple of desperately fighting cats on the street ... Make the appropriate conclusions.
Of course, you shouldn't take literally every little thing for. But if a word or event attracted your attention, engraved in your memory, or it seemed to you clearly that “this is all about you,” that this is connected with your situation, then it makes sense to take this into account. Good luck with your decisions!
When people share the worst decisions made in their lives, they often refer to the fact that the choice was made in a fit of instinctive emotions: passion, fear, greed.
Our life would be completely different if Ctrl + Z acted in our life, which would cancel the decisions made.
But we are not slaves to our mood. Instinctive emotions tend to be dulled or completely subside. Therefore, folk wisdom recommends that when an important decision has to be made, it is better to go to bed. Good advice, by the way. It does not hurt to take note of it! Although for many solutions, one sleep is not enough. A special strategy is needed.
One of the effective tools that we would like to offer you is strategy for success at work and in life from Susie Welch (Suzy Welch) is a former editor-in-chief of the Harvard Business Review, a popular author, television commentator and journalist. It is called 10/10/10 and involves making decisions through the prism of three different time frames:
- How will you feel about this after 10 minutes?
- What will you think about this decision after 10 months?
- What will be your reaction to this in 10 years?
By concentrating our attention on these terms, we distance ourselves from the problem of making an important decision by us.
Now let's look at the action of this rule using an example.
Situation: Veronica has a boyfriend, Cyril. They have been dating for 9 months, but their relationship can hardly be called ideal. Veronica claims that Cyril is a wonderful person, and in many ways he is exactly who she has been looking for throughout her life. However, she is very worried that their relationship is not moving forward. She is 30, she wants a family and. She does not have an infinite amount of time to develop a relationship with Kirill, who is under 40. During these 9 months, she never met Kirill's daughter from her first marriage, and the cherished "I love you" never sounded in their pair from either side.
The divorce from my wife was terrible. After that, Cyril decided to avoid serious relationships. In addition, he keeps his daughter out of his personal life. Veronica understands that he is in pain, but she is also offended that such an important part of her beloved's life is closed to her.
Veronica knows that Cyril does not like to rush into decisions. But should she, in this case, take a step herself and say “I love you” first?
The girl was advised to use the 10/10/10 rule, and here's what came of it. Veronica was asked to imagine that right now she must decide whether she will confess her love to Cyril at the weekend or not.
Question 1: How do you feel about this decision after 10 minutes?
Answer: "I think I would be worried, but at the same time I was proud of myself that I took the risk and said it first."
Question 2: What would you think of your decision if 10 months passed?
Answer: “I don't think I will regret it after 10 months. No, I will not. I sincerely want this to work out. Those who do not take risks do not drink champagne! "
Question 3: How do you feel about your decision after 10 years?
Answer: “Regardless of how Kirill reacts, in 10 years the decision to confess his love first is unlikely to matter. By this time, either we will be happy together, or I will be in a relationship with someone else. "
Notice the 10/10/10 rule works! As a result, we have quite a simple solution:
Veronica must take the lead. She will be proud of herself if she does this, and sincerely believes that she will not regret what she did, even if nothing works out with Kirill. But without consciously analyzing the situation according to the 10/10/10 rule, making an important decision seemed extremely difficult to her. Short-term emotions - fear, nervousness, and fear of rejection - were distractions and disincentives.
What happened to Veronica after - you are probably wondering. She still said “I love you” first. In addition, she tried to do everything to change the situation, and stop feeling in limbo. Cyril did not confess his love to her. But progress was on the face: he became closer to Veronica. The girl believes that he loves her, that he just needs a little more time to overcome his own and admit the reciprocity of feelings. In her opinion, the chances that they will be together reach 80%.
Eventually
The 10/10/10 rule helps you win the emotional game. The feelings that you are experiencing now, at this minute, seem saturated and sharp, but the future - on the contrary, vague. Therefore, the emotions experienced in the present are always in the foreground.
The 10/10/10 strategy forces you to change your angle of view: consider a moment in the future (for example, in 10 months) from the same point that you are looking at the present.
This technique puts your short-term emotions into perspective. This is not at all about ignoring them. They often even help you get what you want in a given situation. But you must not let your emotions take over.
Remembering the contrast of emotions is necessary not only in life, but also at work. For example, if you deliberately avoid serious conversation with your boss, you are letting your emotions get the best of you. If you present the opportunity to have a conversation, then after 10 minutes you will be just as nervous, and after 10 months - will you be glad that you decided on this conversation? Will you breathe a sigh of relief? Or will you feel proud?
What if you want to reward the work of a great employee and are going to offer him a promotion: will you doubt the correctness of your decision in 10 minutes, will you regret what you did after 10 months (suddenly other employees feel left out), and will it be will the raise matter to your business 10 years later?
As you can see short-term emotions are not always harmful... The 10/10/10 rule suggests that looking at emotions in the long term is not the only correct one. It only proves that the short-term feelings you are experiencing cannot be at the head of the table when you make important and responsible decisions.