— Ella Sovitova: What seems to them ashamed. And based on their own idea of what their parents think of them. But often children think one thing, and parents quite another. They also interpret their parents' behavior in terms of their age. At three years old, this will be one interpretation, at five - another ... For example, if someone hit a child in a kindergarten or he quarreled with someone, and all other children do not quarrel with each other, then, most likely, about this event baby won't say. Fear of parents. Or if they are imperious, tough, then the baby will perceive the teacher as a parental authority. As a result, the teacher will always be right for him. And he will not tell his parents about anything offensive or important about him.
- What do teenagers usually keep silent about?
- E. S: It is not for nothing that adolescence is called the most unpleasant. During this period, children have a very high sensitivity. They interpret everything solely from their point of view: what they thought about them, how they looked, what they said. All reactions to the outside world are painful. The teenager interprets the behavior and comments of the parents very distortedly. It is very difficult for him: he is not yet an adult, but no longer a child.
The positive side of this age is that at this time children talk very freely about life. At the age of 13, it seems to the child that the whole world is at his feet and he can do anything! The value of adolescence lies precisely in this scale of perception. The fact that some people at the age of 10-14 have such ideas and projects that it’s nice to return to after thirty or forty. During these years, a person does not have a complete vision of reality. And by the age of 40, some people stop dreaming. All the ideas that come to a person in adolescence are of great value. It would be nice to write them down.
Teenagers are in a very difficult position. It's not like they're hiding anything. Most often, they are generally closed from their parents, if by the age of 14 they did not have time to leave their parental positions and make friends with them, having established emotional contact. If there is no trust and contact, children will learn words that are acceptable to parents and simply will not devote them to their lives.
Why do teenagers hide from their parents?
Sergei Petrushin: Secrecy is a manifestation of the lack of security. If we want a child to tell us everything, we should not punish him for the truth and put pressure on him. If you demand sincerity, openness from him, he will close even more. And if the parents create favorable conditions for the child, he himself will slowly open up.
E. S: Contact with parents is most often interrupted because they, along with a benevolent attitude, always impose some obligations on him.
How to build trusting relationships with children? And is it possible in principle?
E.S.: It is important to know about the rule of balance. Parents should not be afraid to give their children love and attention just like that. If they constantly demand something in return, then they will have nothing but a fight against them during their adolescence. Establishing trusting relationships with children is quite real. There are children who can discuss many topics with their parents. I know a 14-year-old girl who calmly tells her parents about what is happening in her life, while for many of her peers it is difficult. How did her parents do it? They abandoned the system of requirements of expectation and compliance. Let the school demand, and the family is still a kind of amulet, a place of love and acceptance of each other. If parents make too high demands on a child, it turns out that, returning from school, he moves from one prison to another. And trust is formed only on love.
S.P .: The most difficult thing for parents is to rebuild from hierarchical relationships to friendly ones. But it often happens that children have already grown up, and parents still treat them as if they were small. Education is not only introducing the child to social values. Also an explanation of what is good and what is bad, revealing its potential. Parents should see what the child's strengths and weaknesses are. Help develop your strengths and believe in yourself.
- Do relationships with parents affect a person's future life?
- E.S.: Of course, a person who had a trusting relationship with his parents in childhood is freer and more adequate. He is more successful socially due to the inner freedom he felt in his relationship with his parents at 10-14 years old. It is easier for him to make a career: he will not be afraid of his superiors, express his opinion and take responsibility.
- S. P: Relations with the father determine the social life of a person in the future. And the relationship with the mother is personal, family life. If you have a good relationship with your father, it is easier to achieve success at work. And a good relationship with the mother will help in interacting with others and building a personal life.
Any parent with the birth of a child dreams of how wonderful their relationship will be in the future. But in order for dreams to turn into reality, parents must make a lot of efforts and become a true friend for their child. This will be discussed in this article.
There are not so many reasons for the loss of friendly relations between parents and children. Misunderstanding of the experiences of children is one of the most important. Often adults demonstrate a complete lack of faith in the strength of their child, and such behavior is protested even by a 3-4 year old baby. Constant prohibitions and reproaches from adults hinder the development of adolescent independence, provoke family conflicts, and create the feeling that he is considered an infantile and dependent person. Authoritarianism on the part of parents and constant reminders that all power is in their hands can form a child's complete dependence on the opinions of others or, conversely, rejection from the closest people - families, protests and constant conflicts.
Do not go to extremes and form familiar relationships with the baby. It is better to use the advice of psychologists that will help you become your child's best friend.
- Develop your ability to listen. Talk to the baby and discuss the reasons why he is. After the conversation, it may turn out that he had a good reason for negative behavior. Be sure to discuss and make a conclusion about how it was necessary to do. During the dialogue, do not look away, let him know that you really hear what he says. Do not interrupt the interlocutor, let him talk, ask clarifying questions. Learn to feel other people's emotions. Ask how he thinks the other person must have felt in the conflict situation. This will teach you how to get out of conflicts, taking into account the feelings of others.
- Play together so you can connect. During joint games, children will learn to trust a partner, create new ideas, develop their own creativity, relieve stress, respond correctly to victories and defeats, and obey certain rules.
- Plan things together. Joint activities will unite you and develop mutual understanding. Plan a joint trip to the sea (do not forget about), make a birthday present for your beloved grandmother, cook borscht together. Choose such things so that the baby enjoys the result, praise more often. It is advisable to do this with other family members and even with his comrades. If the child is not eager to complete any assignment today, then do not put pressure on him. Perhaps tomorrow he will have an incentive and mood to help you.
- Be a support. Analyze the amount of time you devote to your baby. Maybe the baby simply lacks parental attention. Be sure to trust what your little one says. The trust of adults is important to him.
- Treat like an adult. Let the baby also participate in the family council and make decisions on an equal basis with adults. After all, in the family, he has the same rights as its other members, and you should listen to his opinion. Don't be afraid to apologize.
Dmitry Karpachev's advice: How to become a friend to your child
- Dmitry believes that a parent cannot be a friend to his child, because adults should be something more than just a friend. If suddenly a child has problems, he should always understand that he needs to turn to his parents for help, and not to those who are equal to him. If the parents are equal to him, then they will not be able to solve this problem. When we say "friendship", we most likely mean a close and trusting relationship between an adult and a child.
- Analyze your relationships with those close to you. The way you treat these people is the way you should treat your baby. Most likely, you have developed a trusting relationship with those people from whom you do not hear unnecessary criticism. In addition, these close people will definitely support you and are always ready to help you.
- Such trusting relationships differ from those in which the youngest member of the family acts as a completely disenfranchised being. In this case, you can put pressure on him, shout and disrupt negative emotions. If you do not do this with your child, then your relationship can be considered friendly.
- If the child makes a mistake due to his inexperience or does not listen to us parents, then there is no need to intimidate him and. Such behavior will teach the baby simply not to perform unwanted actions in your presence, but will not change his behavior.
- It is better to do as a person close to you would do - explain what his mistake is, select convincing arguments, read the relevant literature together. Then the child will not want to commit misconduct, so as not to upset his parents.
- Form a relationship with your baby based on mutual respect, even if it's a baby from your first marriage or a child you adopted from an orphanage. After all, we, adults, are used to loving and taking care of our children, but with respect in our families, everything is much worse.
How to be a child's friend while being a parent. Marina Solotova's opinion
A Tyumen teacher and practicing psychologist wrote a book on this topic, and believes that:
- You just need to be friends with your son or daughter. Only through friendship can the basic qualities of the younger generation be formed: accuracy, obedience, responsibility.
- If the child and the parent are friends, then they can afford to quarrel, while they do not have to worry that they will part forever.
- A real friend will not scold you for unbrushed teeth, for unwashed shoes, will not refuse to go out with you because you have an untidy appearance. He will just give you a chewing gum, hold out a wet napkin and will not get annoyed over trifles. Fathers and mothers who want to be a friend to their children need to behave in a similar way.
- Will our baby meet such a true friend in his life? Not necessarily, therefore, an adult should always be next to him, who will just replace such a comrade. Otherwise, the child will seek understanding and warmth in bad company.
- It is important for parents to use reasonable dominance in upbringing - the ability to take responsibility and take care of the baby, to provide support when necessary. Or step aside when he can handle himself.
- Modern children are very different from their peers who lived in this world 10-20 years ago. Therefore, education should be carried out in a different way: children cannot be punished physically, they are forbidden to be compared with others and humiliated by overprotection, one cannot instill in their little head the idea that adults are always right, you need to stop yelling at them. After all, modern children have very few resources that would help kids cope with such methods of education.
Look at your child when he sleeps. It doesn't matter how old he is: 12 days old or 12 years old, he is equally defenseless. He equally trusts you and without a drop of doubt puts into his soul what you give him. Even if you think it's not.
See not him. Throw away all your problems, troubles, pains, throw away everything that seems to you the most important and necessary right now, free your soul, be imbued: he loves you. Do you understand how much this is? He loves you. He loves just like that, for nothing, simply because you are.
He loves you. It was you, because he came to you, he chose you from millions of others, which means that you are the best, kindest of all, more beautiful than all, smarter than all. He gave himself to you, entrusted himself: here, take it, do with me what you want; I know that you will only make me better, you will understand me, with you I will open my wings...
Which parent thinks so? Most believe that a child is a piece of plasticine, from which, like gods, they can mold in their own image and likeness. But he is a person. Completely independent, with their own views, concepts, their own ways of knowing the world, sometimes completely opposite to their parents.
The child is not a copy of the parent and wants to go its own way. That's why you hate him sometimes. Didn't live up to expectations. Whose? Yours? And why are you here? All you can do is to insure your child in difficult times for him, but do not tell him where to go. In fact, you do not know who came to you. Maybe he's come to free your wings. And you cut off his wings. And he can trust you. Because he loves you. And he himself will stretch out his white wings to you: chop them off, they prevent me from walking ... Or break them in the fight with you. But you are always stronger. And it's not a fair fight. Or it will just break free and fly away, and you may never see it again...
Love him, your child. Love as long as he allows it to be done explicitly. As long as you can squeeze him, hold him in your arms. Having grown older, he will not allow you these "veal tendernesses." Use, enjoy, while there is time, just a couple of years, while he allows you to do this. Do not make him suffer by leaving him alone in the crib so that he "does not get used to the hands." For him, your hands are the whole world, his universe.
Do not give up on the child, build a house with him, paint with a brush, put the doll to bed - after all, this is his life, because this is important, because this is the meaning of your life at this stage. I remember the eyes of my son in a year, two, three ... Pure, clear, not an ounce of falsehood, holy sincerity. He still does not know how to pretend, lie, slip away. He is absolutely honest, open, direct. They are all children. It's us adults who spoil them later.
The time comes and parents face a choice. They are faced with this choice, even if they are not aware of it. And the rest of the life of them and their child depends on what parents choose. When a baby is born, the umbilical cord, the physical link between the mother and her baby, is cut. But the invisible umbilical cord remains for many years to come. As long as the child is dependent, as long as he does not know how to serve himself, feed, clothe himself, as long as he trusts his parents (he simply does not know what it is not to trust them), parents should remain his guardians, breadwinners, and protectors. But the child grows up and begins to realize that he has his own freedom of choice, his own "I", his own personality - a transitional age begins. The transition from childhood to adolescence.
Smart parents who wish their child well will cut the invisible umbilical cord themselves and give freedom to their son or daughter. This is what their choice consists of: to remain kvochki and in the future to see in this little man only their child, or to become his friend and learn to respect his decisions and his choice. Of course, here, too, one must reserve the right to insure and express one's point of view, but not as the ultimate truth.
Friendly advice, friendly conversation, heart-to-heart conversations. The child will only be grateful to you for this, because he does not know anyone closer than you and - do not forget - he loves you. And he wants to be friends with you. Of course, this will take up almost all your free time. After all, you will still have to participate in his life, play his games, listen to his experiences and any "youthful delirium" (as you think in your heart). But he's serious. And he knows: a friend will not betray. For him, this is the most important thing.
And by virtue of his "youthful maximalism" he can consider anything as a betrayal. And the fact that you see in him a dependent child; and the fact that you got into his personal diary (of course, with the best of intentions); and that they said something bad about the object of his love; and what they told their friends about some, even if it was a minor flaw.
Being a friend is much more difficult than just being a parent. It's just that a parent can say: "Wait, I have no time", or "Don't you see how tired I am?", Or "Sorry, I'm not up to you yet ..." A friend will never say that.
Make friends with your child. And then you will be the first to know that he has already fallen in love with someone ... Or he has a complex because of something ... Or he is shy ... Or he is afraid ... Or something happened to him ... He will share with you in every joy and every sorrow. And love won't run out. And your wings will be released. And it will grow. After all, that's why you met. And gratitude will overwhelm your soul for this meeting ...
Every mother dreams of becoming the best friend to her child. And it's not that hard. You just need to learn how to build trusting relationships, respect the opinions of your children and communicate with them as with an independent person. No wonder psychologists say that children who have good and friendly relations with their parents feel happier and achieve greater success in adulthood.
It often happens that children with bad behavior, who often indulge and do everything in defiance, are simply deprived of parental attention and communication. After all, it is important for every person to be listened to, supported and sympathized with his experiences. And children especially need this, since they are just starting their life journey and no matter how mom and dad can help them gain self-confidence and take their place in such a vast world.
Having established friendly relations with a child, you can always count on the fact that he will share his experiences with you, become more obedient, and will quickly adapt to a new team and find friends among his peers.
What do you need to do to become a true friend to your children?
At the stage of growing up, when children cannot yet adequately assess various situations and actions, they need your support and point of view. For example, if someone pushed your daughter or son, you should not dismiss the words: “You yourself are to blame” or “You yourself are to blame.” Understand the situation and explain that the other child did not do the right thing, maybe he does not know good manners and does not know how to behave. The next time, remembering your words, the child will not be offended by such trifles.
If your baby is to blame for the situation, for example, while walking in the park, he accidentally climbed into the flower bed and trampled the flowers, do not scold strictly. Most likely, he himself did not understand yet that he acted badly and it does not look very nice in the eyes of others. Tell him about how upset the park staff will be. After all, every day they try to maintain beauty for us and spend a lot of time and energy planting flowers and caring for them. The kid will remember this and will not do it again.
Also, do not strongly scold your son if, for example, he fell and cries loudly in front of passers-by. He is certainly a future man, but first of all he is a child. Better support him with a funny story from your childhood about your unsuccessful falls and tell him that there is nothing to worry about.
In order to finally win the trust and respect of your child, it is very important to show how important his opinion is to you. By asking for advice, even on minor issues, you give your child confidence in your worth. He understands that they listen to him and reckon with his opinion. For example, ask for advice on what to cook for dinner or how he would like to spend the coming weekend.
What do best friends like to do? Yes, anything, as long as together! If you are limited in time and you do not have an extra hour to play with your child or come up with developmental activities, just let him do the same as you.
For example, when going to the kitchen to cook dinner, take it with you. So you will have extra time for communication, and the baby will be able to learn something new. Even the banal watching of cartoons or movies with their parents brings incredible joy and happiness for children.
In addition to the fact that you want to become a true friend to your child, do not forget that you are still a mother. And in order not to undermine parental authority, always try to keep your word. For example, when promising a child that you will go to an amusement park for a birthday, do everything possible to make it so. And it’s better not to immediately make a promise that, in your opinion, is difficult to fulfill. After all, the bitterness and resentment from the fact that you did not keep your promise, even for a good reason, will be remembered by the child for a very long time, and he will no longer trust your words.
Not everyone can be a parent and at the same time combine friendship with a child. How to maintain a trusting relationship and remain a strict parent at the same time, watch the video
And most importantly, always treat your children with respect, be patient, try to talk with them as much as possible and discuss various topics together. Then you will have a best friend, a real helper and a loving, caring child all rolled into one.
Angelica Arutyunova
Advice for parents "How to become a friend to your child"
how be your child's friend
Friendship parents and children - this is a special relationship that requires, first of all, mutual respect, the ability of an adult to understand child empathize with him, showing tact in dealing with him. In the same time parent remains the eldest, experienced, responsible for life, business, development your child.
Difficulties in relationships child and parents often arise because adults do not understand the experiences of children. The daughter asks to go for a walk, but she is forbidden, since she did not put her things away. The girl is trying to explain that she agreed with girlfriends, they will wait for her - to no avail. Then she runs away without permission. Parents are outraged, and quite rightly so. However, in this case, the responsibility others, interest in communication with peers for the girl turned out to be more important than the prohibition of relatives. Parents in the eyes of a child appeared as not understanding his interests, desires. Misunderstanding starts to seem to kid main in relation to him parents. adult disbelief in child causes him protest already at the age of three. This causes resentment and resentment in a younger student. Children tend to strive to be at the level of their peers, to be "no worse others» . The prohibitions of adults hinder this, prevent them from demonstrating their independence. In the actions of adults, the desire to insure against troubles, unexpected actions is often manifested. child. They seek to forbid him everything that seems dangerous, harmful to them, which can lead to any surprises. It is disbelief in the possibility child causes conflict, creates in the baby the idea that he is considered small, foolish. Fear of being humiliated, especially in the eyes of comrades, negatively affects well-being child. The position of adults in relation to the younger schoolchild as to a creature who knows little, knows how, understands, can be expressed in disparaging statements, in degrading assessments, epithets. Power parents is great: material opportunities, life experience, physical strength - everything is on their side. The authority of an adult is imposed by the force that child forced to obey. As he grows up, he remain dependent on parents, their opinions, requirements. But it is also possible other: protest, disagreement, rejection from the family will gradually ripen.
Basics of friendship parents
The ability to listen truly is one of the main ways of mutual understanding between parents and children.
Ask child why he behaved the way he did. It may turn out that he had a good reason for such actions. Tell your child how they could handle the situation in a different way.
Let's child to speak out, don't interrupt him.
When child says look into his eyes so that he understands: You are listening to him.
Pay attention to what movements child accompanies his speech. Gestures will help you understand if the story is difficult for him, and also indicate the need to ask clarifying questions.
Ask child: How do you think you will feel if Vasya hits you?
Such questions teach child understand other people's emotions. We are able to learn how to solve problems correctly if we are aware of feelings and reactions. other people.
After listening child, suggest other solutions.
Help child to overcome his fear.
Remember what you were afraid of as a child? Maybe darkness, ghosts or evil witches? Do you have child-like fears? The only way to find out about it is to talk to him. You are the best person to help his child to exterminate all the evil witches, brownies and gnomes that are hiding under his bed. If your child 4-6 years old, then to get rid of his fear, you can come up with some kind of ritual together. For example, put a magic bear or doll with him in the crib at night, which will guard his sleep. It is very important that your child could openly tell you about what he is afraid of. If child older and soviet fears other, you must teach him to control his emotions and analyze what worries him.
Joint games with child is another way to get in touch.
More than one study has proven how important regular games are for child: it is games that give children the basics of life experience, which then finds application in everyday life. Children learn to work together and rely Each other; generate new ideas and develop creative thinking; relax, and also act in conditions of tension; concentrate; experience both victories and defeats; develop and adhere to certain rules. If your very small child, then games by age are suitable, but if a teenager, then you can have fun playing more complex intellectual games with him. Learn to go back to childhood and become child, after all, frolicking with his child is very fun and pleasant.
Reminder for parents with game tips.
1.Rule One: the game should not include the slightest possibility of risk that threatens the health of children. However, difficult rules that are not easy to follow cannot be thrown out of it.
2.Rule Two: the game requires a sense of proportion and caution. The game should not be too gambling, humiliate the dignity of the players. Sometimes children come up with offensive nicknames for losing a game.
3.Rule Three: Do not arrange special classes, do not pull the guys, even when you have free time: "Let's play chess!" Don't interrupt, don't criticize. Or learn to play with the children, imperceptibly and gradually suggesting your options for some business, or leave them alone. Volunteering is the basis of the game.
4.Rule Four: don't wait on child fast and great results. Don't rush child don't show your impatience. The most important thing is those happy minutes and hours that you spend with your child. Play, rejoice in discoveries and victories - isn't it for the sake of this that we come up with games, undertakings.
5.Rule Five: Maintain an active, creative approach to play. Children are big dreamers and inventors. They boldly introduce their own rules into the game, complicate or simplify the content of the game. But the game is a serious matter and should not be turned into a concession. to kid, in mercy on the principle "whatever the child amuses".
Joint activities strengthen family relationships.
Take care of your child with common affairs, let it be creativity or plans and dreams for the upcoming vacation, think together about what to give dad on February 23rd. Ask child about helping to prepare a family dinner, then at the table tell all family members that your daughter helped prepare dinner. The main thing that child gladly did the work entrusted to him, if child refuses to help, do not insist on it. Maybe today he is not in the mood for this work, but tomorrow he will offer you his help.
How and what instructions to give the child in the family
2 to 3.5 years
At this age, child may have their own small but permanent responsibilities. The kid is quite capable of hanging his own clothes in the allotted place; neatly put shoes on, coming from the street; put your plate in the sink (if the plate is plastic and the sink is not too high). Also at this age, children are very interested in everyday household chores, whether it is washing dishes, mopping and sweeping floors, participating in cooking and minor repairs, etc. They strive to help adults in this and are very proud of being allowed to do this. Of course, about real help in such "serious" I don’t have to talk about things yet, but, nevertheless, you need to let the baby try his hand and be sure to praise him for trying to help.
3.5 to 5 years
Cognition child standards of conduct and responsibility continues. At this age, the baby may have new areas of responsibility: he can (and already should) put away your toys before bed, make your bed. Also, children can perform simple pet care activities (filling a bowl with water or food, helping to set the table before a family dinner. At this age, part of the care that was on the shoulders of an adult should be transferred to to kid. Now he can be trusted to open and close the water, so that he himself will wash his hands, without controlling this process. The kid should be responsible for his toys and things ( "lost it yourself, look for it yourself").
Be a reliable support for your child.
Sometimes we don't understand what our children are doing. For example, your child hit another child in kindergarten or cut dad's shirt with scissors. Do not rush to immediately scold and punish him, first figure out why he did this. Maybe he just doesn’t have enough of your attention, and, having cut his dad’s shirt, he wants to attract him to him, in a strange way, but still. Or hitting child in the garden, he just defended himself or gave change. Listen your child and believe his words, the main thing is that he knows that you believe him, and then he will not deceive you.
Respect child like an adult.
Let's to your child participate in family decisions about where we move the closet or where we go for the weekend. He should feel like an equal member of the family. listen to the opinion child. If you did wrong in relation to him, be sure to apologize, as you would have done with an adult.
And the most important advice - love your child, no matter how sometimes harmful and naughty it may be.
Love is the greatest need for all children without exception. Exactly parental love and faith form child self-confidence, self-esteem.
Prepared: Arutyunova A. M.