Let's talk a little about humiliating and insulting situations, about situations that are extremely unpleasant, and also ridiculous or, as they are also called, idiotic.
Who didn't fall into them?!
My friend (I don’t know a person more honest and pure than her) told me about how her neighbors in her student dormitory accused her of stealing money and some expensive cosmetics. The logic of these girls was simple: everyone else is from “normal”, that is, wealthy, families, and Natasha is from a poor family with many children - who else if not her?..
I myself will never forget how the trolleybus conductor suspected me of some cunning trick, with the help of which I supposedly got a ticket from him for free: “I only realized now that you took the ticket, but didn’t give me the money.” The conductor talked to me like a tough guy talking to a bandit. The words “rubbish”, “scum” and “scam” rained down on me as if from a cornucopia. The worst thing is that some passengers rushed to take his side. It is very common for a person, by the way, even when the conflict does not concern him personally, to take the side of the “strong,” that is, the aggressor.
One young man I know, in a hot summer in a dacha area, bought apples from his grandmother and had the imprudence to walk with this purchase past orchards guarded by a private Cossack agency. For some reason, the slightly tipsy Cossack women decided that a passerby had stolen the apples from the orchard entrusted to them, and did not listen to any counter-arguments. They intended to tie the young man to the fence, hanging a prepared “Thief” sign on his chest, and keep it like that until sunset (an already proven, apparently punitive practice). The only thing that saved the guy was that his uncle worked in the prosecutor’s office and one of the overly zealous guards knew this uncle well, which sobered him up.
This also includes completely unfounded police detentions, which I, as a journalist, have written about many times; endless conflicts in self-service stores; “attacks” from neighbors due to a broken pipe... Some of these situations are less dramatic than those described above, but are also unpleasant. Others are tragicomic... It’s hardly worth retelling them here one after another. Let's start by asking questions of a psychological nature.
How do we cope with such troubles? Are we becoming their hostages for the rest of our lives? Isn’t fear, depression, a feeling of powerlessness, defenselessness “prescribed” in us?..
Do we know how to behave correctly in such situations, without harming ourselves? Are we able to maintain external calm (and it is absolutely necessary) and what is commonly called human? This also happens: out of fear, out of aggressive pressure, out of the impossibility (as it seems) to protect oneself, a person admits to a theft that he did not commit. Or in best case scenario, gives away money that he actually doesn’t owe to anyone, essentially becoming a victim of extortion.
Do we find the strength within ourselves, do we have the courage to seek truth, justice, and someday the punishment of our offenders? An uncle at the prosecutor's office or a journalist's ID in their purse - not everyone has them, but almost everyone has a feeling of encroaching lawlessness and personal defenselessness...
As for my own behavior in the trap situations that came my way, I myself assessed it differently: from a four to a two. More than once I scolded myself: “As a journalist, I must teach others how to behave in such conflicts, but you yourself don’t know how!” And then a sad counter-voice was heard inside: “It’s easier to teach others, but when you get there yourself, and even so unexpectedly...”
What should we do with such situations in our lives, how to comprehend them, what conclusions to draw from them? And in general, why are they given to us? The last question is no longer psychological, like the previous ones, but Christian.
I will do as usual: first I will try to look for the answer myself, clinging to my fragmentary and superficial knowledge of Orthodox literature, and then I will turn to the priest.
As for literature: an ordinary prayer book, which any believer has, is an amazing, rich, deep textbook of Christian life. How many meanings there are in it, how many arrows pointing the way to the Truth! For me personally, one of the most important was this passage in the evening prayer of St. Macarius the Great: “... because I was lazy to please You and did nothing good, You brought me to the end of this passing day, the conversion and salvation of my soul...”
Looking back at the passing day, you realize that, although you worked all day, to please at the same time he was really lazy; and that the Heavenly Father, with all this laziness of yours, coached you like an infinitely patient teacher of a stupid schoolboy, again and again putting you in situations that did not allow you to fall asleep, forcing you to feel for spiritual support and make a choice.
But how difficult it is to learn to perceive your own life with all its ups and downs - that’s exactly how it is. Like the endless fuss of the Creator with you, undiligent and unsuccessful. This is especially difficult when the Teacher uses, let’s say, methods that are unpleasant and harsh for us. When we fall into traps like the ones described above.
As has already been said, we do not always know how to behave correctly in these binds. This is problem. Well, what if we still try to perceive any such situation as a lesson assigned to us by God Himself?.. As an exercise aimed at overcoming cowardice, at increasing trust in the Creator?
Everything happens according to the will of God. So that's how it should be. Who needs? You. You can't understand why? And who promised you that you would understand everything right away? If you thank the Lord for what happened from the bottom of your heart, then perhaps you will take the first step towards understanding. Do you remember the Epistle of the Apostle Paul to the Thessalonians: “In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thess. 5:18)? Do you remember the prayer of the Optina elders? - “In all unforeseen cases, do not let me forget that everything was sent down by You...”
God does not send trials beyond our strength. He knows what's wrong with you. We can say that He has His finger on the pulse of the situation. But a lot depends on you. Pray, do not doubt His help, intercession Holy Mother of God, don't lose your presence of mind. Remember how many times saints became victims of slander, victims of wild, dirty accusations and perceived this as being sent for their good.
It seems to me that a person with a similar mindset has a much greater chance of emerging victorious from a humiliating situation, subsequently achieving justice and overcoming the consequences of psychological trauma. This is an earthly blessing, this is a necessary consolation for us, weak people who are far from spiritual heights. But we still receive it as a result of spiritual tension that is feasible for us.
In general, everything is correct: we need these shake-ups so that, as stated in the prayer of Macarius the Great, contacted, turned their gaze to Him, were drawn to Him, grew spiritually; and as we grow up, we gain the ability, the ability to get out of these traps.
By the way, about that friend of mine, Natasha. She has been a believer since childhood, although at that difficult moment - the moment of the slander that fell upon her - she was not Orthodox: she maintained contact with one of the Protestant denominations. And sometimes you can learn something good from Protestants. Natasha said this: “I began to pray, and the more I prayed, the calmer I became, and they, these girls, somehow became quiet, as if they were embarrassed... And the next day they behaved with me as if nothing had happened. Of course, this offended me - at least they apologized... But I realized: if I now try to sort things out with them, they will again begin to blame me, not for this, but for something else - just so as not to be guilty themselves. And I decided to just stay away from them.” (Natasha is a person with a difficult childhood and became wise before her time - already in her youth.)
However, it’s time for me to seek advice from a priest.
“They don’t just come to me, but I myself have been in such situations a thousand times,” answers the rector of the Vladimir Church in Saratov, Priest Mikhail Bogatyrev. “It’s really painful when you’re accused of something you didn’t even think about, something you couldn’t do in principle.” For example, when you unscrew the light bulbs in the entrance...
I remember to this day how this happened to me for the first time - in kindergarten. I was four or five years old, and I was accused of an ordinary childish disgrace that was not committed by me at all. I couldn't resist, I was completely crushed and admitted that I did it. Then it turned out that it wasn’t me, but no one, of course, even thought to apologize to me. And then, in my life, this happened more than once, and I made the following conclusion for myself: we should not have tragic reactions to such accusations. You know you didn't do it and God knows it. You did not commit this sin before Him - that’s the main thing. And the people who accuse you don’t need your excuses. They do not carry out this kind of arbitrary investigation in order to find the truth. The truth doesn't matter to them at all. They don't care whether you did it or not. They have a need to humiliate and bully another person. For this they need a reason. Their behavior may be associated with an inferiority complex, inferiority, envy - a person who envies can not only throw mud at the person he envies, but also others - he doesn’t care.
It is necessary in time to switch from human judgment to God’s judgment and say: Lord, You know everything - and Thy will be done
Certainly, nervous system people have different ones. Some will give up and forget, but for others it is truly a lifelong trauma. But here it is important to understand: if you get bogged down in sorting out relationships with these people, at least mentally, your whole life will pass you by. You will have to prove something to them all your life. And by proving that you are not a camel, you are slowly convincing yourself that you are a camel - at least in someone’s eyes. And thus you become dependent on the accusation. That's why it's scary, it's dangerous to make excuses for something you didn't do. It is necessary in time to switch from human judgment to and say: Lord, You know everything - and Thy will be done. It's enough. Essentially this means staying healthy mentally and whole spiritually.
– But is it really easy to switch?
– Personally, I always proceed from the fact that I have something to live for. There is something and someone to think about, something to do. I try to work for results, and I don’t want to be distracted by some extraneous things. Wasting the precious time God has given us to achieve results is a sin. Let us remember the parable of the talents (see: Matt. 25: 14–30). You need to work, increasing the talent given by the Lord, and then someone suddenly interferes with you, and while you are dealing with him, you don’t notice how you are losing your spiritual vertical and find yourself in two-dimensional space, on a plane. And you can no longer do anything for God. But the end result of your work is always a spiritual result. And this is not your personal goal. This is the goal that God has given you. This means that it is important to many people.
– From your point of view, therefore, there is no need to seek justice?
– Justice belongs to God. My life experience tells me: after some time after such unfounded accusations, the truth will always come out somewhere. I experienced this more than once before I said: Lord, Thy will be done.
– Father, but you still need to forgive them, these offenders of ours, otherwise you will really get stuck in a chronic conflict with them. Can you do it?
– I generally don’t know how to hold a grudge against people. I may be offended, but the offense will not last long. I have had very difficult cases in my life when I was betrayed by full program. But then, after some time, listening to my own soul, I became convinced that I had no complaints against these people. There is no anger, much less a feeling of revenge. Of course, I will not sit at the table with them in a friendly manner; I have no desire to communicate with them at all, if only because it is associated with unpleasant memories. But if I know that they are in trouble, I will do everything to help them out. And I will never reproach them for this later.
I listen to Father Michael and little by little I get rid of all neurotic doubts about the simple truth: all these humiliating, offensive, ridiculous, idiotic situations of ours were given to us by our Father and Teacher for the sake of the conversion of our souls. And we wish we had less lazy to please .
We respond correctly to false accusations against us.
Due to various circumstances, we are periodically subjected to verbal attacks.
When the accusations are unexpected, we feel awkward, we are not protected, and therefore we panic, and we can no longer control our behavior as we would in a calm state.
And we panic because we know little about human psychology, we know little about the world.
We often accept other people's rules of play without knowing them. As they say, if a person agrees to play by rules that he does not know, he is a loser.
The first thing you should do in a situation where you hear false accusations against you is to maintain composure and inner calm. You are innocent - that's the main thing. Everything else is trifles.
Secondly, you cannot resist the accuser by acting chaotically. It is necessary to think through every word. Wrong words can cause you great harm.
And then you need to act based on the severity of the charges, the strength of psychological pressure, the damage that may be caused to you, the responsibility that you will have to bear, etc.
If a person wants to find out some information from you, then you can react adequately - give the person what he wants to know.
If a person is irritated and deliberately suppresses your personality, then you can react in the same way.
You need to defend yourself, but the method of repelling a psychological attack (pressure) is chosen each time based on the specific situation.
How the best option- humor, irony, sarcasm, if you have the appropriate mood and energy. If you yourself are in this moment If you are in a difficult situation or upset (for example, someone in the family is sick), then you will not be able to handle this method. You can be ironic when you yourself are in a cheerful mood.
By the way, you can fight back with words spoken in a different intonation. This method also works.
In any case, a psychological attack on you is just an episode in your life, and an interesting and incomprehensible life. If you approach this issue philosophically, then coping with your condition will be very simple. If you are in a difficult situation and you cannot fend off verbal attacks now, then think about whether it is worth wasting your health and energy on people who behave impolitely and aggressively. Connect with others who behave differently.
Of course, it’s better to put the person in his place, but if this doesn’t work yet, don’t worry. Over time, all situations resolve themselves.
The methods “the best defense is an attack”, “break the situation”, “hold your position”, “don’t make excuses”, “don’t give in” also work, but you need to understand well what kind of person is in front of you. Sometimes, gestalt is The best way resolve the situation peacefully.
We respond correctly to false accusations against us.
Due to various circumstances, we are periodically subjected to verbal attacks.
When the accusations are unexpected, we feel awkward, we are not protected, and therefore we panic, and we can no longer control our behavior as we would in a calm state.
And we panic because we know little about human psychology, we know little about the world.
We often accept other people's rules of play without knowing them. As they say, if a person agrees to play by rules that he does not know, he is a loser.
The first thing you should do in a situation where you hear false accusations against you is to maintain composure and inner calm. You are innocent - that's the main thing. Everything else is trifles.
Secondly, you cannot resist the accuser by acting chaotically. It is necessary to think through every word. Wrong words can cause you great harm.
And then you need to act based on the severity of the charges, the strength of psychological pressure, the damage that may be caused to you, the responsibility that you will have to bear, etc.
If a person wants to find out some information from you, then you can react adequately - give the person what he wants to know.
If a person is irritated and deliberately suppresses your personality, then you can react in the same way.
You need to defend yourself, but the method of repelling a psychological attack (pressure) is chosen each time based on the specific situation.
The best option is humor, irony, sarcasm, if you have the appropriate mood and energy. If you yourself are currently in a difficult situation or upset (for example, someone in the family is sick), then you will not be able to handle this method. You can be ironic when you yourself are in a cheerful mood.
By the way, you can fight back with words spoken in a different intonation. This method also works.
In any case, a psychological attack on you is just an episode in your life, and an interesting and incomprehensible life. If you approach this issue philosophically, then coping with your condition will be very simple. If you are in a difficult situation and you cannot fend off verbal attacks now, then think about whether it is worth wasting your health and energy on people who behave impolitely and aggressively. Connect with others who behave differently.
Of course, it’s better to put the person in his place, but if this doesn’t work yet, don’t worry. Over time, all situations resolve themselves.
The methods “the best defense is an attack”, “break the situation”, “hold your position”, “don’t make excuses”, “don’t give in” also work, but you need to understand well what kind of person is in front of you. Sometimes, gestalt is the best way to resolve a situation peacefully.
We all make mistakes at work. However, there are people who love to blame others. To avoid unfair accusations, you should protect yourself as much as possible. Start by creating a paper trail where you will keep records and record work decisions. Then set yourself the goal of building a strong reputation for yourself as a responsive and trustworthy person. If you actually made a mistake for which you are criticized, admit your responsibility for what happened. If you are accused unfoundedly, make an appointment with your boss and explain what really happened.
Steps
Create documentary evidence
- Perhaps you don't want to ask questions because you want to look like you know everything. However, you need to do something right, otherwise you will really be at fault.
- Don't ask the question twice. Once your supervisor tells you how to do a task correctly, write it down so you don't forget. If you keep asking questions, you will look incompetent.
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Educate clients about the risks behind the decision. Sometimes you may be blamed for a client's business decision not producing the expected results. Even though the client made his own choice, he will claim that you did not inform him about the risks. Always ensure that people make an informed decision by carefully explaining any possible hazards.
- Additionally, ask the client to sign a form stating that they have been informed of the risks. List the most significant risks on this form.
- Keep the signed form in case the client later claims that you did not warn him about the dangers.
Build a strong reputation
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Keep a positive attitude. You can resist false accusations if you have a good reputation in the eyes of your boss and most of your colleagues. Start building your reputation by maintaining a positive attitude. Smile and say “Good morning” or “Hello” to everyone you meet.
Help selectively. It depends on your workplace. Most people will appreciate an extra pair of hands if they're swamped with work. However, you should not help too much, otherwise it will seem that you have nothing to do.
- Also pay attention to whether your colleague is grateful to you for what you did. If not, stop helping this person.
- On the other hand, if he notes your merits, you can help him in the future. This person appreciates your help and does not see you as a threat.
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Keep your promises. If you tell a colleague you will do something, be sure to follow through. Leave all excuses at home and make sure you follow through on your commitments. Be consistent - this will increase your authority in the eyes of other people.
Admit mistakes you've made. Being honest about your mistakes will help you build trust. People who constantly abdicate responsibility begin to look like liars. Better admit it. Say, “I'm sorry,” and explain the following:
- You understand the seriousness of the mistake. For example: “I recognize that this mistake could cost us a client.”
- You know how it happened. For example: “I was preparing parcels to send, and then Irina called, and I got distracted.”
- You will be sure to take steps to prevent this from happening again: “To avoid making this mistake in the future, I will route calls to voicemail while packages are being prepared for shipment.”
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Maintain professionalism online. if you have Accounts V in social networks, make sure they describe you positively. Remove controversial or offensive materials from your pages on social networks (Twitter, VKontakte, YouTube and any others). Consider making personal accounts private.
Deal with accusations at work
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Listen calmly to the accusation. Nobody likes to be blamed for mistakes at work. When your boss calls you into his office, your heart might start racing. Try to relax as much as possible. Sit comfortably and take a deep breath.
- Remain calm to hear the essence of the accusation. Try writing down what your boss says you did wrong. You may not be able to accurately recall what was said when you leave your boss's office, so you need to take good notes.
- Remember not to immediately get into a defensive position. Plus, the boss may be too angry to really hear you. If you are not fired, go back to your desk and collect your thoughts.
- If you are not guilty of anything, calmly say: “I didn’t do it.” The boss may not hear you, but you need to say it.
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Consider whether you may have contributed to this problem."Blame" is an unpleasant word. It assumes that only one person is responsible when things go wrong. However, many people may have contributed to this problem. Objectively assess whether you are responsible for this at least to some extent.
- If so, analyze what you could have done differently. If you admit a mistake, you need to explain how it happened and how you will fix it.
- However, do not place the blame on someone else unless you have documented evidence that the person made a mistake.
- One of the reasons why you should build good relationships with your colleagues is precisely because of moments like these when you are accused of something you didn’t do. Talk to your colleagues and ask if they can speak to your boss on your behalf.
- Begin the meeting by briefly describing the nature of the allegations. Then move on to your version of what happened.
- You might say, “I was too excited to tell you yesterday, but now that I’ve had time to think, I want to tell you what really happened.”
- Support your words with documents. You can say, “See, I have an email here from the accounting department. Alina said that there are still 80,000 thousand rubles in the account. That's why I spent the money."
Communicate via email. It is difficult to prove what was said in person or over the phone. However, it is much easier to provide the contents of an email by simply printing the email. If possible, communicate with everyone via email.
Require a signature if you deliver anything. Did you deliver anything personally or courier it to another department? Or did you send a letter to the client by regular mail? If so, always require the recipient's signature. For example, you can send a registered letter with return receipt requested.
Ask questions to your manager. If you don't know what to do, ask someone higher up to make a decision. If the decision turns out to be wrong, it will be his fault. Send an email with your question and keep a copy of your response.
Being accused without guilt and how to inform your “judges” of hysterical sobbing is not an easy task. Sometimes you’re just bursting to answer something obscene in retaliation for your offenders in the most rude form, which half entails inevitable scandalous consequences for you and for those around you.
Here are a few ways to withstand such condemnation competently and get away with it.
- 1. Turn off the speaker. (lower your voice)
Loud sounds are an urge that something terrible is happening and it’s time to look for ways and exits for protection. But if the subconscious has slowed down and cannot find a way out. As soon as this turn of events occurs, helplessness and an angry reaction to the lack of opportunities appear. Aggression, like a viral infection, spreads by droplets to the offender and this causes the body temperature to rise even higher. The circle closes and only an outsider can break it, and then with consequences.
- 2. Do not reproach your offenders for your accusation (out loud, and at them)
Those who accuse you of an action you have not done, either want to manipulate you, wrap you around their finger, hold you on a string and use these privileges or they c then there was no time to figure it out and they decided to use their lack of education. Their unconscious accusation is directly related to removing the feeling of guilt for their actions and shifting the blame to others, and this is their model of behavior. By accusing them of being promiscuous, you will make your offenders even more aggressive. The circle will close and you will have to look for a way out from outside.
- 3. Notacceptpositionvictims
What kind of victim position is this? It is very easy to accept it and even worse is to do nothing about it. We are all guilty to some extent. We even feel guilty for what our accusers feel. I know that this sounds absurd, but this is how our subconscious works: a genetically embedded collective feeling of guilt. Guilt, a natural emotion that in a mild form suggests that you did something wrong. In other words, we feel guilty that we cause pain and inconvenience in someone - whether they are accusers or not, unconsciously of course. Understand the difference in guilt, whether you cause pain to the accuser with your action or take this action upon yourself and feel guilty for what you did that you did not do. Confused? So your insomnia is confused in the same way. You are only to blame for the fact that the person next to you is in complete disorder and are not at all to blame for the actions that are imposed on you. Trying to convince yourself that you are not to blame does not help. Now you understand why. Accept it and forgive. Now it's time to get out of the circle of victimhood.
- 4. Listen to what they accuse you of and ask for evidence.
Listen to your accuser carefully and ask specific questions about the merits of your case. Gather data and what grounds they have for accusing you. By asking such questions, you give them the opportunity to deal with the reproaches against you and rebuild their system of accusation. With such interrogation, you remove yourself from the event and re-establish your position. So be interested in the details.
- 5. Notprotectmyself.
Taking the position of a defender will only lead to house in the relationship. The subconscious mind accepts the individual defending himself as the culprit and it’s time to punish him even more harshly. Keep your distance, listen and ask questions.
Ally Davies, November 2012