“The strawberries and cream principle”: “Personally, I love strawberries and cream, but for some reason fish prefer worms. That’s why when I go fishing, I don’t think about what I love, but about what the fish love.”
(Dale Carnegie)
If you want to interest someone in you, talk about what interests him (speak the same language with him). The theory is simple and well known to everyone - but how to implement it in practice?
But in practice, it is useful to know that the sphere of interests of your interlocutor is divided into six categories: “people”, “place”, “time”, “values”, “process”, “things”.
Usually 2-3 topics out of these 6 are a person’s favorite topics - he will discuss them with great pleasure. The rest are not interesting to him, and cause him mortal boredom, - “Well, why talk about this? it doesn’t matter!”
To better understand how this is used in life, let's take a closer look at each type individually.
The cat caught the mouse:
- Do you want to live?
- And with whom?
- Ugh! Even eating is disgusting!
Favorite question: “Who?” People are important to him: who he communicates with, who surrounds him.
Such a person chooses a job based on what team he will join and with whom he will have to interact.
When talking about his vacation, he will talk first of all about the people with whom he vacationed and whom he met.
If he is invited to a party, he will definitely ask: “Who will be there?” He will ask because it is most important to him.
At the headquarters of the missile forces:
- Today we received an order to reduce staff by 10%. Is everyone clear?
- Yes…
- And now the details: I think we should start with Texas, Florida, Alabama...
Favorite question: “Where?” It is important for this person to clearly navigate in space. He usually has a favorite chair or favorite place at the table, to which he tries not to let anyone in.
When choosing a job the most important factor there will be the location of the office, and how much he likes his workplace.
When talking about his vacation, he will describe the places he visited and what sights his route passed through.
It will be meticulous to ask about “where the party will be held.” At the party itself, he will be interested in where he will sit at the table, in what place.
One Frenchman is asked:
-What do you like best? Wine or women?
To which he replies:
- It depends on the year of manufacture.
Favorite question: “When?” For such a person, everything related to time will be extremely important.
He selects a new job based on criteria such as a suitable work schedule, how long it takes him to get from home to the office, and the length of vacation.
He will tell you in detail the daily routine in the sanatorium where he rested, what time the train arrived, how many minutes the plane was late and all other details related to time.
Before going to a party, be sure to ask “when does it start? What time will it end? When does the last bus leave?
"Values"
- Doctor, will I live?
- What's the point?
Favorite question: “Why?” It is important for this person that what he does is valuable and useful. He looks for meaning in everything. Talks about his values and beliefs.
Such a person will be ready to work in a team that is unpleasant to him, in the middle of nowhere, spending a lot of his time on the road, if he believes that by working here he brings benefit to people, or some benefit to himself.
He will talk not about how he rested, but about why he went to the sanatorium, what it gave him: “I improved my health, spent at least a little time with my family, made useful acquaintances.”
Before going to a party, he will ask, “How will this be useful to me?”, because the party itself is not of particular value to him.
"Process"
A big lazy cat sneaks home and thinks:
- Now to the tank, from the tank to the fence, from the fence to the pipe, along the pipe to the roof...
At this moment, the pipe underneath him breaks away from the wall and begins to fall.
Cat (indignantly):
- Didn't understand!..
Favorite question: “How?” It is very important for him how he will do something, the sequence of actions that need to be performed. Often uses verbs in speech.
The most important thing for him in work is that the process itself gives him pleasure.
Talking about a vacation: he will describe the sequence of events, day after day: “in the morning we sunbathed on the beach, after that we had lunch, then we slept, then we went to the pool.... The next day we went on an excursion, after that...”
He will be interested in the whole scenario of the party, what will follow what: “and after we have dinner, what will happen? And after we dance? And after we drink tea?
A customs officer looking into a passenger's suitcase from an arriving flight:
- So, dear, let's decide where your things are and where are mine.
Favorite question: “What?”. Such a person pays a lot of attention to things and objects. Often uses nouns in speech.
When choosing a job, he will look at the objects that will surround him: a computer, an office desk, a room... It is important that he likes it.
He will tell in detail about the things that surrounded him during his vacation: “the pool was good, the beach with sand, double rooms, with a TV and a refrigerator...”
He will definitely ask “What will happen at the party?” If it is important for a person of the process type to hear “first we will have dinner, then we will dance, then we will drink tea,” then for a person of the “Things” type it is important to hear “there will be dinner, dancing, tea drinking”
Now the question is “What should I talk to him about?” The solution is quite simple: after listening to the person, you determine his favorite topics, after which you talk to him, trying to fall into the sphere of his interests. If these are “people,” then talk about people. If this is a “place”, then ask where he was, tell him where you yourself are going to go...
To make sure that such an adjustment is important enough, try a couple of times to specifically “outline” the person’s interests. He tells you, for example, “about the people he met,” and you ask him a question from another area: “where did you meet them?”, “When was that?” The person’s reaction will immediately tell you that it’s better not to do this (except for cases when you need to quickly interrupt the conversation)
To test yourself how well you now navigate this “typology of interests,” try answering the questions in the following tests.
Test No. 1
Read what 6 different people say about their vacation. Based on them, determine the type of interests of each person.
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Person no. |
Statement |
Type of interests |
|
“...Is this really a vacation? Only 12 days. And then: 36 hours to get there, and the same amount back. The only joy is the sea 5 minutes away..." |
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“...The room had everything you needed: shower, TV, refrigerator, kettle...” |
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“...I met Irina Vasilievna there. The most amazing person! She has 12 children. The youngest one is called Anyuta...” |
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“...I was on vacation in the New World, this is the southern coast of Crimea, 10 km west of Sudak. By the way, we lived 200 meters from the sea...” |
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“...As soon as we arrived at the railway station, we were immediately taken to a sanatorium, fed there, and then settled into rooms...” |
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“...I improved my health, and this is the most important thing. The doctors at the sanatorium were good. So, if you want to get treatment, this is the best option...” |
Test #2:
Your friend doesn't want to go to your party. You still want to convince her to come. Decide which phrase you will use for which type of people.
|
Statement |
Suitable for people like… |
|
|
“...Listen, there will definitely be Lena, Katya, Misha, Sergey. Igor is going to drive up with two of his friends. Good company is gathering! Only you are missing..." |
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"…Come! We have an excellent program: first we’ll have dinner, then we’ll look at photographs, then we’ll dance, and at the end we’ll discuss plans for the future...” |
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“...You just need to rest. In addition, you will be able to make useful contacts. And in general, friendly ties need to be maintained..." |
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“...You only have 40 minutes to get to me! And in the evening we will finish early, at about 11 you will be heading back. We haven't seen each other for 2 months!!! When will we meet again?..." |
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“...After all, we are gathering not just anywhere, but at my home! Let's go to the lake, it's nearby. We'll sit you on your favorite easy chair..." |
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“...You haven’t seen my apartment after renovation: new wallpaper, paintings on the walls, an aquarium in the corner, a stereo system...” |
Test No. 3
You came to your boss to ask him for a salary increase. Different bosses need to make different arguments. For each phrase, determine what type of boss it will have the best effect on.
|
Statement |
It will work better on bosses with the type of interests... |
|
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“...All the equipment is on me: computers, faxes, phones, printers, scanners, Consumables. And the amount of all this goodness is increasing and increasing..." |
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“... I have to travel all over the country, now to Arkhangelsk, now to Yekaterinburg, now to St. Petersburg... I already know these cities better than my own home...” |
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“...Now I have to work a lot with VIP clients: with Elena Vladimirovna, with Arkady Petrovich, with Ivan Vasilyevich... They are complex people, you know it yourself...” |
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“...I come at 9 am, leave at 8 pm... I often have to work on weekends... if I have a vacation, then it’s for no more than a week...” |
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“... First I find clients, then I persuade them to buy, then I sign the contract, fuss with the papers, then I organize transportation, then I resolve warranty issues... the process is complex, God forbid, where you make a mistake...” |
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“... the principle is simple: you pay more, I work harder and better... as a result of the results of my work, you again get more money...” |
Right answers:
|
Values |
|||
|
Values |
Values |
If you answered more than half of the test questions correctly, then congratulations! We can assume that you have mastered such a difficult topic as “typology of interests”!
All that remains is to wish: use the acquired knowledge in practice more often. And then you will be an ideal interlocutor, able to find the key to any person.
The ability to strike up a conversation and communicate with people helps to make new friends, climb the career ladder, increases self-esteem and generally only benefits a person. Relaxed small talk allows you to defuse the situation and hush up any awkward situation.
1. Don't be shy to ask questions
Do you want to know how to become interesting conversationalist? There is nothing difficult about this. To begin with, forget about shyness and feel free to ask questions to people you don’t know. Ask your interlocutor what he does. The person’s answer will probably be quite long and the communication will not end there.
If you don't know where to start the conversation, ask the person what brought him to the business event or party where you met. How does this relate to his work or interests. Then use the answers to continue the conversation.
2. Give compliments
When telling how to become an interesting conversationalist, psychologists recommend giving people compliments. We love to be liked, and we want to continue the conversation with the person we like more. Compliments work equally effectively in both female and male company. When talking to a lady, praise her appearance, outfit or jewelry, and for a gentleman it’s enough to say that he looks great.
Are you painfully looking for questions to talk about? Don't waste your time, but ask your interlocutor for advice. Say, for example, that you want to know his opinion on a work project or the choice of wine for a holiday, ask if he knows about an upcoming event or if he has seen a new movie. People like to help others and get satisfaction from it. Even the most modest and silent person, having heard your request, will show himself on the other side and, in the literal sense of the word, blossom.
4. Tell us about yourself
When thinking about how to structure a conversation, it is not necessary to form a list of questions and predict possible answers to them. Try not to ask questions to the interlocutor, but to the first one. This technique is especially effective for starting a dialogue with shy men and women. Seeing your openness, they will relax and be more willing to make contact.
5. Use circumstances
If you don't know where to start a conversation, use your surroundings: you can start a conversation about the weather, the results of a sports game, the speakers on stage if you are at an event, etc. After that, smoothly move on to more interesting topics.
6. Find common interests
To know in the future how to build a conversation with a new acquaintance, find common interests. It could be anything: a love of fishing, reading books, drawing, collecting scale models of equipment.
7. Use active listening techniques
By finding topics and questions to talk about, you will earn a reputation as a pleasant conversationalist. To do this, not only speak, but also listen carefully to the other person. Look at your interlocutor when he is telling something, nod to him and, if necessary, help him choose the right phrases.
8. Smile
Knowing how to start a conversation is only half the battle. When conducting a conversation, it is important to show that you are friendly to the person and show openness. To do this, smile more often. You can feel a smile even during a telephone conversation. However, do not overdo it so as not to be considered too frivolous.
9. Use “I” less often in dialogues.
Not knowing how to start a conversation, we begin to tell the interlocutor about ourselves. This is normal, but you should not constantly use the pronoun “I” in dialogues, demonstrating an overt attitude. Change the form of your statements. Having decided how to continue the conversation and telling your interlocutor something, instead of “I’m surprised,” say “surprising,” instead of “I want,” say “I want.”
10. Call your interlocutor by name more often
When telling how to continue a conversation or start it, it is worth clarifying: you must definitely find out the name of the interlocutor and actively use it in dialogues. It has long been known that it is difficult to find something more pleasant than the sounds of your own name.
11. Avoid complex terms and phrases
Don’t try to make yourself feel better by using complex scientific terms in conversation. An intelligent person will understand what you are like without this. When expressing thoughts, explain complex things in simple terms.
How to interest your interlocutor? How to become interesting in conversation? How to attract people and be able to communicate with any interlocutor? We will talk about all this in our article.
If you want to be interesting to your interlocutor, talk to him about what interests him, copy his behavior and be similar. After all, people like interlocutors who have similar interests - so says a simple theory that everyone can understand. And really, what’s so complicated about that?
But, as often happens, one thing comes out in theory, but something completely different in practice. Not all people can find common interests and common topics for communication, and you simply don’t always understand the topic that the interlocutor is talking about. Therefore, if you suddenly have such a problem, below are several practical advice in order not to be a boring person and to interest the interlocutor in the conversation.
1. Your interlocutor’s sphere of interest consists of several categories: “people”, “place”, “time”, “values”, “process”, “things”. Usually people have a few favorite things that they like to talk about, and the rest do not excite them much.
2. In order to be interesting to the interlocutor, it will be useful to identify those categories that are interesting to him. To do this, listen to what the interlocutor is saying, if you have not yet started the conversation, or alternatively, unobtrusively inquire about his interests, try to prove to him your similarities and find common points of contact.
3. In a conversation, try to determine the character of your interlocutor (just don’t succumb to first impressions) and his mood at the moment. this moment. This will help you avoid conflict and presenting yourself in a bad light.
4. It’s better to imagine your shortcomings as a continuation of your advantages, unobtrusively emphasizing them, maybe even with humor. This will help you not to scare off the person and create a positive image of you as a person who does not hide his shortcomings, but does not show them off either.
5. For a better understanding in practice, it is also worth getting to know each type of people separately in order to promptly determine the type of interlocutor and adapt to him.
So, here we go:
1. An interlocutor who is interested in people will first of all talk about the environment, some personalities. It is important to him who he communicates with, how they communicate with him and what his environment is like. He likes to express opinions about other people.
2. An interlocutor who is interested in a place is primarily interested in the space in which he is located and the things that surround him. He may have traveled a lot and likes to talk about his favorite sights and places in your city.
3. An interlocutor who is interested in time will, oddly enough, be interested in time and deadlines. Everything related to the passage of time is his strong point. Maybe you will hear in a conversation his latest story about how he left home late and was almost late for work, or nostalgia for the old times in which he lived.
4. An interlocutor who is interested in values will tell you about his view of the world and, perhaps, compare them with others. He can either do things his own way if he values personal freedom, or he can do unpleasant work because “that’s the way it’s supposed to be done.” Usually such people look at the world pragmatically, looking for some benefit in everything, for themselves and, perhaps, others.
5. An interlocutor who is interested in the process of execution and the sequence of execution will ask you not about what he needs to do, but HOW to do it. He can have good comparison and analysis skills, and put everything into perspective, acting step by step. Also, keep in mind that for most people, the pleasure and emotions gained from doing something are also important.
6. An interlocutor who is interested in objects will pay attention to the objects around him. He will probably pay attention to where the TV is and what kind of TV it is; in his speech you can often hear the names of some things, perhaps not only material, but also spiritual.
It is worth noting that people’s interests can be combinations, and you will never find a completely pure type anywhere.
And the main advice that can be given in this article is more practice and own experience. Use the theoretical knowledge you receive, but draw your own conclusions.
Are you telling a compelling story and find people yawning? This story may not be as interesting as you think. Try to finish it and let others speak.
2. Know how to listen
Let your interlocutor talk about himself. Ask him counter questions. It's strange, but the people we like the most always say little.
3. Discuss the other person's interests
Ask the person about his life, ask different questions and discuss them. You are already 80% close to being liked. If you are well versed in the hobbies of your interlocutor, you can easily maintain a conversation. If not, then ask him in more detail. He will tell you with great pleasure.
4. Keep three stories in reserve.
People are not interested in the features of your new phone. What really turns them on is real events that happened to you. So always have three stories to tell. They should be exciting and emotional. Let the interlocutor be interested in what will happen in the next minute.
5. Develop charisma
There is so much meaning put into this word that it becomes difficult to understand its true meaning. Some say that you are born with it, while others believe that this personality trait is developed over the years. But here's what's interesting: the study The Heart of Social Psychology: A Backstage View of a Passionate Science, conducted by two psychologists in 1967, proved that in a conversation, only 7% of attention is paid to words. The rest comes from tone of speech and body language.
Laugh, smile, be emotional. Don't forget about gestures and don't rely only on words.
6. Live an interesting life
Chat with different people, read more books, watch movies, travel. Most The right way become an interesting person - live interesting life. And believe me, this will give you much more than just the opportunity to be a good conversationalist.
In the lives of many people, the process of communication takes a very long time. most time. After all, the ability to speak, listen, read and write are the most important abilities that help achieve success in life and ensure effective joint activities of people. Therefore, it is very important to be able to conduct a dialogue correctly in order to achieve good results in the process of work, in personal life, in communication with loved ones and friends. By becoming a good conversationalist, you will attract many people to you, learn to win over your interlocutors, and achieve the results you need.1. Smile. After all, any communication that begins with a smile already attracts a person to you. With a smile, you show that you are sincere and open to productive dialogue. It is worth mentioning that even when talking on the phone you can feel a smile.
2. There is something to talk about with anyone. It is necessary to determine what interests a person and start a conversation on this topic. There are very few people who are not interested in anything. In any case, we can talk about this man himself. Show attention to him, show sincere interest, and you will subsequently find many topics for conversation.
3. If they don’t understand you, it means you didn’t express yourself correctly and clearly enough. Construct your speech in such a way that everything is very clear to your interlocutor. Then you will stop getting annoyed and angry at the person who did not understand you or misunderstood you.
4. Give compliments. Feel free to show yourself as a positive person and encourage those around you. Remember that compliments should come from the heart. Blatant flattery will only push people away from you. However, don't be afraid to praise someone who did a great job. Thank those who have a good joke. Compliment someone who is stylishly dressed. But we must not forget that everything should be in moderation.
5. Active listening technique. In this way you will show that you hear your interlocutor and understand what is being said in the conversation. Look at the person you are talking to, nod your head, comment on his story, but do not interrupt. You can help find the necessary words and phrases when the interlocutor stumbles, ask questions, and continue the thought. This will make it clear that you are interested in the person. And this will make them want to continue communicating with you.
6. Try to call the person you are talking to by name more often. As psychologists have proven, the sound of one’s own name is the most pleasant and sweet sound for the human ear. After all, a person is given a name at birth and he carries it throughout his long life.
7. Speak clearly and simply. Even if both you and your interlocutor have several higher education, do not use complex scientific terms and phrases in conversation. There is no need to try to give yourself some kind of dubious status through abstruse conversation. Any clever man will still understand how smart or stupid you are.
8. Do not interrupt your interlocutor and do not give advice that you are not asked for. Listen to the person until the end, and then comment on his words. This will show that you are interested in talking to him. By interrupting, you show your bad manners. If you feel the urge to give unsolicited advice, suppress this urge. Otherwise, the person will think that you consider yourself smarter than him, and this is an obstacle to successful communication.
9. The conversation should be interesting for you. If you have to carry on a conversation about something that is not interesting to you, try to understand the topic of the conversation. Otherwise, a person without feeling feedback, will stop talking.
10. Remove the pronoun “I” from the conversation. Everyone knows that all people are selfish by nature. And, as a rule, everyone wants to hear mainly about themselves. But this approach to communication is wrong. Try to use other shades of statements instead of combinations with the pronoun “I”. For example, instead of “I want”, say: “I would like” or “I would like.” This will slightly change the way you speak to you.
A person who is interested in a variety of areas of life, from fashion and style to hunting and fishing, can become a good conversationalist. If there is no thirst for new knowledge, curiosity, interest in life in all its brightest manifestations, then becoming a good conversationalist is quite difficult. After all, only by showing interest in your interlocutor, maintaining a conversation on any topic, showing your disposition towards him, you thereby form interest and an excellent attitude towards yourself.