When my child does homework, I often hear the phrases: “I won’t do this because it’s difficult, I won’t succeed!” How should parents respond to such statements? How to convince a child and is it worth doing?
Probably one of the most unpleasant situations for parents is the moment when they realize that their child does not believe in himself. You can observe how children get very upset and cry in the face of a difficult task, or do not get upset at all, but shove the notebook away and forget about it for a while. Interestingly, this happens to capable and even talented children. The child is afraid of failure, does not believe that he can cope, and as a result is inclined to refuse to act at all. At that moment, the parent understands that the child’s task is, in general, an ordinary one, and there is no reason not to cope with it. They get angry and try to convince the child to react differently, but this often only makes things worse.
This situation is extremely painful for the child and no less painful for the parents.
Fear of error and reluctance to fail can directly control a child’s actions and lead to him refusing to try. This behavior is formed under the influence personal experience child, although it may be enhanced by the characteristics of his temperament. This formative experience includes the attitude of close adults to the child’s mistakes, the experience of competition with other children, including brothers and sisters, and the character of the parents themselves. The reason is not always the direct influence of parents, however, it is parents who can largely help the child cope with difficulties.
How to help your child
1. Acknowledge your child's feelings. Before you rush to solve the problem, just admit that the child finds this situation difficult, and it is really difficult for him to get down to business. Just say briefly:
“Yes, this problem probably seems too confusing..”
Your task is not to deny the feelings that have already arisen in the child, but to help cope with them.
2. Teach your child algorithms for solving problems. A large task needs to be broken down into small parts; before solving it, you should figure out how you will act; at the beginning of work, it is better to highlight priority tasks. In each activity you will have your own tips on how best to act.
Many tasks seem difficult to children precisely because they find them that way. And we need help to learn new things. The school is minimally involved in what is called organizing children’s activities; the emphasis is on mastering information, while children are not taught effective strategies for working with information.
3. Provide opportunities to engage in activities in which the child is successful.. A child should have a full opportunity to do what he knows and loves, while receiving recognition. If a child is physically gifted or dances well, then he needs to be given the opportunity to do this a lot. In fact, the opposite happens - such types of activities shrink under the pressure of what “needs” to be done. Hobbies fade into the background, giving way to activities that are less successful. The child ends up in a state of failure most times This greatly affects the child’s level of aspirations.
4. Provide easy wins. This is an activity where success comes with only a little effort. For example, to warm up before math classes, play “mathematical football” with your child - you give the child simple examples that he must calculate in his head. The examples should be of such a level that the child feels competent when solving them.
5. Promote the value of persistence. Pay attention to those moments when your child fails at something, but he still continues to try. Most likely, this is the area that is of real interest to the child. As a rule, there is an area for any child where he does not need to be agitated; he tries on his own. Let it be gluing model airplanes, physical exercise, or computer game. Draw your child's attention to the persistence he shows. Be sure to make it clear that you consider this a strong quality of the child.
Under no circumstances should you comment with an accusatory intonation: “Well, in order to move to a new level in the game, I’m willing to spend an hour, but you don’t want to try to solve the problem!” Your task is not to blame the child, but rather to let him understand that he has required quality character, it just hasn’t manifested itself in some areas yet.
6. Tell your child inspiring stories. You will find many examples of great people whose lives were replete with small and large defeats. This glorious list includes great writers, scientists, actors, and athletes. There is even an opinion that success itself is the result of many defeats. Your task is to create in your child the belief that failure is not the end of the world, but just a turn of events. Give examples from your own history when you achieved something significant after going through a difficult path.
7. Model resilience in the face of failure by example.
Children inherit their attitude towards mistakes from their parents. But this fact is not entirely obvious, since adults do not so clearly demonstrate their sensitivity to defeat, and are not always aware of it. They learn to deftly avoid situations in which they might fail through green-grape tactics. Adults simply do not take part in those activities in which they may look pale, declaring them uninteresting for themselves. For example, a person will not go to dance if he is unsure of himself, will not take part in a sports competition, will not go to a company where he may look insufficiently status, will not speak English. foreign language in the presence of people who may criticize their level, they avoid making toasts at holidays. All these forms of avoidance have become so habitual, so ingrained in life, that people themselves no longer perceive them as avoidance as a result of fear of failure. Therefore, they may quite sincerely believe that their child is somehow too sensitive to his mistakes, it is unclear in whom...
To help your child, start with him to master some business in which you have almost equal chances of success. For example, go learn dancing if you have never done it. Don't be afraid to look funny, show by your own example how you don't give up despite failures.
8. Play with your child. The fear of failure and mistakes is often removed thanks to a game in which the child himself must find your mistake. You do the task incorrectly, the child finds your mistakes. You can also ask the child to do something intentionally wrong first, and then find and correct his own mistake. Such a game can defuse the tense situation around school activities.
What to avoid:
- Criticism and ridicule of the child for mistakes and his attitude towards business. This will only increase the child’s unpleasant experiences. And a low mood is not at all the soil on which school or any other successes flourish.
- Solutions to a problem only at the moment of its bright manifestation. Most of the tactics described above are aimed rather at organizing communication with the child outside of the problem situation. This is the most effective strategy. If you remember that you need to do something only when a problem becomes apparent, then you can do little to successfully solve it.
- Give examples to other children. It is the procedure of assessment and comparison that frightens the child. There is no need to aggravate this conflict by citing examples of other children who cope better. The child's results can be compared with his own results in the past. Then progress will be more obvious and this can support the child.
The child’s lack of faith in his own abilities is perceived by the parents themselves as their pedagogical failure. “Something was done wrong, I couldn’t instill confidence in my child, that’s why he behaves this way,” the parent roughly thinks. It is important that the parents themselves treat this situation as something completely fixable. By treating the problem that has arisen actively, with confidence in the possibility of its successful resolution, parents help their child take a similar position in relation to their difficulties.
© Elizaveta Filonenko
A story about the mistakes of one good dad. Which any (or any:)) of us can do.
So, there is a wonderful dad who loves his children, strives to please them with something and even somehow develop them. He brings home a huge Lego set. “Well, guys, come on! Now let's play!" The kids are naturally happy to try. Nine-year-old Masha immediately begins to build a rocket, which is supposed to go on a trip to Mars. And six-year-old Vanya imitates her in everything. Masha takes the blue cube, and so does Vanya. Masha makes wings and Vanya tries.
But bad luck, Vanya is doing worse, he can’t keep up with Masha. And in one unfortunate moment, Vanya irritably throws the dice at her sister and runs away. Dad, with the best intentions, tries to cheer up his son.
- You shouldn’t be upset! You made a great rocket!
- Nothing great! The wings are falling off and she's generally stupid.
- I like this. In my opinion, you have the best rocket in the world!
- Not true! I NEVER succeed in ANYTHING!
- Well, let me help you. We will now build a rocket that will fly to Mars or Jupiter.
Do you think which dad is smart? Well done, right? But nothing like that! Dad, of course, is great for trying to help his son. But he is trying completely wrong. In just a couple of minutes, he managed to make 3 serious mistakes.
Mistake #1: Dad told a lie that Vanya turned out to be a good rocket. And Vanya knows about this. Instead, dad should have explained to his son that when he turns nine years old, he will be able to assemble much more complex toys. There is nothing wrong with the fact that Masha makes a rocket faster and better than Vanya. When she was six years old, she faced the same difficulties as her brother.
Mistake #3: Having heard from Vanya’s lips that he NEVER succeeds in ANYTHING, dad should have been wary and had a conversation with his son. The fact is that already at the age of 6 a boy generalizes and generalizes his difficulties. Not “I didn’t succeed this time,” but “I never succeed.” This attitude will prevent Vanya from achieving success in the future. As soon as a problem arises in front of him, he will give up and retreat. Remember we wrote how? If serious work is not done with Vanya, then he has every chance in the future to become a pessimist, who, instead of making efforts to achieve his dream (or, more prosaically, a goal), will simply give up on it.
The publishing house "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber" will soon publish Martin Seligman's book "The Optimist Child", in which you can find a description effective methods that can change negative thinking. I can't wait to read it :)
Psychologist Yulia Guseva answers the question:
– At the age of 1–2 years, the result of his activity is not very important for a child; he first of all enjoys the process of interaction with the material (plasticine, paper, pencil). But after about 2–3 years, the result is already important for the child. The child begins to compare himself with other children and adults, and the comparison is not always in favor of the child. For example, a child puts together a construction set, makes some kind of craft, and at some point something goes wrong. The child begins to get irritated, sometimes cry, and sometimes stops what he started doing. Why does this happen and how can you help your child? This kind of behavior occurs in preschoolers. There is nothing terrible about this. The child’s will is not yet formed enough to finish the job he has started, especially if we are talking about an activity designed for a long time.
When a child fails at something, at that moment he first of all needs the presence of parents or other adults. The easiest way is to sit next to him and try to deal with his difficulties, to delve into the problem. For example, a child assembles Lego, but the result is not an airplane, but something else. Check your child’s work step by step: most likely, you will see that he made a mistake a few steps ago. Come back, correct the mistake together, and you will see that the child has calmed down and is ready to continue working on his own. Why does the child need help in this case? The fact is that a child’s thinking is not yet as developed as an adult’s. Therefore, the child may not immediately realize that at some stage he made a mistake. And it is also difficult for him to understand what his mistake is. And an adult usually immediately sees what the problem is. It is important for a child to gain a positive experience of finding and correcting his own mistakes together with an adult, then he will then be able to correct them on his own. There are often situations when a child takes on a lot of work that is not easy to complete in one go. And of course, he really wants to finish what he started, but he’s already tired, and therefore it’s difficult for him to finish what he started. In these cases, parents usually offer the child to rest. However, look at the child. If you see that it is important for him to finish the work, then offer to finish the job together. Let's say a child is making an applique, you can cut it out and the child can paste it on. Or vice versa. Don’t complete the craft for your child, but don’t refuse to help him either. And sometimes parental presence and words of encouragement are enough: “You’re doing great, I really like it!”
When working with preschoolers, I offer parents the “When you were little” technique. You can start using this technique at any age, when the first “I can’t” appears. For some children it is 2–3 years, for others a little later. Typically, children who have learned to compare themselves to themselves at an earlier age, by older preschool age They themselves are already using this technique effectively. The reception helps the child see what he has learned over the years of his life and see the prospect of growth. The essence of the technique is very simple. You need to tell the child that he didn’t know how to do something before, didn’t know it, but now he has learned it and knows it. At the same time, it is important not to speak in general phrases that the child does not perceive well. For example, you need to avoid the following phrases: “Before you couldn’t do anything, but now you can do a lot of things,” “You were small, but now you’re big,” etc. Such phrases will not help the child; they will rather disorient him even more. Try to tell as specifically as possible, in detail, emotionally, you can add a little fiction. For example, you are going to make an applique, and your daughter says: “I won’t cut it out, I won’t succeed anyway. You cut well, you cut better.” What to do? Tell your child a story:
“Do you want me to tell you how you didn’t know how to drink from a cup?”
- So here it is. You were little. You weren't even one year old yet. You were sitting on a high chair, and I gave you some water in a cup. Do you know what you did? You took the cup, turned it over and poured all the water on the table. And do you know what you started doing? Splash your hands in the water! That's how funny you were! Are you throwing out the water now? No, you drink from a cup well and very carefully. Because you learned. She's grown up. And I trained many times. Previously, you always wet yourself when you drank, but now you don’t. Previously, you didn’t know how to take off your socks, but now you can not only take them off, but also put them on, you’re very good at dressing.
The themes of the stories depend on your imagination. Save your child’s drawings and crafts. You can compare old and current drawings. When learning to write, be sure to save your old copybooks. Children enjoy looking at the squiggles they wrote some time ago and compare them with the current result. All this increases the child’s self-confidence, motivation, and desire to do something himself.
Conception is the starting point of pregnancy. And if a couple has problems with this, suspicion falls on the woman. But examinations showed that everything was fine with her. So it's about the man.
August 5, 2014 · Text: Evgenia Karpovskaya· Photo: Shutterstock
The three pillars of male fertility are the production of male reproductive cells (spermatogenesis), the transport of sperm and their ability to penetrate the egg to introduce genetic material into it.
Of course, a man’s main contribution to successful conception is good sperm, because for successful fertilization, at least 10 million sperm must penetrate into the uterus! Its quality, in turn, depends on the level of the hormone testosterone in the body.
Please note: men with high level testosterone is usually of medium height, stocky, with a developed torso and big amount body hair.
What factors primarily negatively affect conception on the “male side”?
1. Age: after 35 years, testosterone production and the number of sperm in seminal fluid decrease.
2. Weight: overweight lead to hormonal imbalance, inhibit the endocrine function of the testicles, reduce the amount of sperm and sperm motility.
3. Smoking: negatively affects sperm DNA. In addition, the seminal fluid of a smoker is more susceptible to the aggressive influence of the slightly acidic environment of the vagina, which reduces the sperm’s chances of “survival.”
4. Alcohol: reduces testosterone levels in the body and negatively affects the production of healthy sperm by the testicles.
5. Overheat(bath, sauna, synthetic underwear, cotton blankets): sperm are very sensitive to heat, because the process of their formation takes place at a temperature that is 1-2 degrees lower than the temperature of the internal areas of the body.
6. Injuries to the groin area, tight clothing, potentially dangerous species sports - cycling, martial arts.
7. Poor environment and living conditions: polluted air, working with highly toxic substances, increased level radioactive radiation.
The deviation of the main sperm parameters from the norm can also be influenced by: disturbances in the functioning of the testicles, prostate gland and a number of small gonads. An examination of a man by a urologist will allow him to draw conclusions about the possible presence of any diseases or predisposition to them.
Even a viral disease can suppress the formation of healthy sperm for 2-3 months.
Start preparing for conception early:
To improve sperm maturation, refrain from smoking, taking hot baths, or frequent visits to the bathhouse or sauna. Reduce your alcohol intake as much as possible.
Trying to conceive a child is not working? If everything is in order on the female side, the future father of the family first needs to have a spermogram - an analysis that gives an idea of the concentration, quantity and motility of sperm.
If the indicators are normal, it is carried out mar test. It identifies sperm that are “blocked” from fertilization by antibodies, i.e. covered with an antisperm coating. Another method of identifying the causes of infertility is the binding of sperm with hyaluronic acid (“mature” sperm are determined).
Nutrition to improve sperm quality:
Nutrition is not the most important thing, but still an important condition successful conception. Make sure that the future father’s diet regularly includes:
- Shellfish and egg yolk are rich in vitamin B12, which helps actively form sperm.
- Dried fruits, sunflower oil, fish oil – regulate the functioning of the endocrine system.
- Red peppers, broccoli, oranges, strawberries - contain vitamin C, which increases sperm motility.
- Spinach, turnips, almonds - increase sperm quality.
- Whole grains, oysters, pine nuts, red meat - help produce “mobile” sperm, as well as maintain the maximum number of “good” sperm.
Some useful facts for men:
British scientists suggest that During the cold season, testosterone production in men decreases.
Brazilian nutritionists advise coffee lovers not to give up their favorite drink when planning a child: according to their observations, the sperm of men who drink 6 cups of coffee a day is more “mobile.”
Canadian psychologists say that Chronic stress significantly slows down the process of sperm formation.
American doctors say that the use of lubricants during sexual intercourse does not have a significant effect on conception.
A man and a woman decided to tie the knot, visited the registry office, had a magnificent wedding, spent a honeymoon and began to live a new family life.
With good and warm relationships in a couple, sooner or later people come to the conclusion that they want to have a child. Having made such a serious decision, a man and a woman begin to “work” on their offspring; only 10% of couples fail to conceive a baby on their first attempts.
And then a question and concern begins to arise in the lovers’ heads about why they are unable to conceive a child, the husband and wife often quarrel among themselves, the excitement grows, but there is no result. I would like to say to such couples, stop, don’t panic!
If you decided a month ago that you want a child and began to actively “work” on it, but after 30 days the test did not show the two coveted lines, then there is no need to sound the alarm and become depressed. To be honest, the reason for worry will arise only a year after you have decided that you are ready to become parents and have started making weekly attempts to conceive a baby.
6 months after unsuccessful attempts to get pregnant, it is worth thinking about and, perhaps, changing tactics, for example, position during sexual intercourse.
In general, today let’s raise such a difficult and very intimate topic as how to conceive a child correctly so that everything works out.
Why is the first “pancake” often lumpy?
If you start to figure out why couples who really want a baby can’t conceive the first time, then you’ll have to go back to school biology lessons.
When the teacher told the whole class about the human structure and the reproductive system, and we, for the most part, were busy with more interesting thoughts, and such important information was ignored.
Let's try to fill in the gaps. So, for the birth of a little toddler, it is necessary that female body there was a meeting between the sperm and the egg. As a result of this “date”, the sperm enters the egg, and only then the embryo begins its development in the uterus. But this, of course, is only in theory; in practice, everything is much more complicated.
The fact is that men produce sperm with every orgasm, but a woman produces an egg only once in a cycle, roughly speaking, once every 30 days. She “lives” for a couple of days, after which she is either fertilized or dies.
Accordingly, it is not always possible to conceive a child the first time, precisely because at the time of sexual intercourse there was no egg yet, it was not ripe to fulfill its function. Therefore, if you want to contribute to the speedy appearance of the baby, have sex as often as possible throughout the month to “catch” the egg.
How to conceive a child if it doesn’t work out: finding out the reasons for failure
Those couples who cannot fulfill their dream of conceiving for a long time are recommended to undergo a full examination. Moreover, both men and women need to do this. Very often such couples have hormonal disbalance. Having found out this, the doctor will help solve the problem.
Nervous tension can also negatively affect pregnancy. For example, if relatives torment you with questions: “ When can we expect grandchildren? Will you have children soon?"and others, then conception may not occur for a very long time. Our psyche is a very interesting thing, so couples who are experiencing pressure from relatives are advised to go on vacation for a week, perhaps from there you will bring your little happiness.
Of course, we cannot help but say that some couples face such a problem as infertility. But here, too, do not despair, the most correct option is to visit a doctor, it is possible that he will be able to offer you some kind of treatment or alternative way become parents.
Those lovers who have been unable to conceive a second baby for a long time should also visit a doctor, since there can be many reasons for their failure; only after undergoing a full examination will it be possible to shed light on the picture.
What to do if you can’t conceive a child - useful tips
- The doctor's consultation. This has already been mentioned more than once above and this is actually a very important step for couples who cannot fulfill their dream;
- Healthy lifestyle. Smoking, drinking alcohol and other bad habits negatively affect the life expectancy of male sperm and the overall health of women. In general, if you want children, give up bad habits;
- Calculation of ovulation. Since menstruation for many women is a very fickle thing, those ladies who want to get pregnant are advised to calculate ovulation. Various methods will help you do this correctly, for example, a basal temperature chart, the use of special tests, etc. I would like to say a few words about basal temperature. It is measured in the rectum for seven days in the middle of the cycle. On the day of ovulation, the indicator will reach 37, and sometimes more degrees. On average, the increase is 0.5 degrees. Some ladies find it difficult to perform such manipulations; in such cases, a special test that can be bought at a pharmacy is very helpful;
- Power control. A balanced menu is very important for those who are planning a child. Women should include green vegetables, seafood, fish and others in their diet healthy foods. Men should give preference to mussels, fatty varieties sea fish, oysters, etc. But it is better to exclude products that contain sweeteners, preservatives and other harmful additives from the menu;
- Refusal medicines. Of course, to those people who suffer chronic diseases and simply cannot live without medications, there is no need to stop taking them, but it is worth consulting with a doctor about how such medications affect conception. Some elements included in medications can negatively affect the egg. This needs to be clarified;
- Folk recipes. You should not treat such advice with disdain. Healers have several “secret” decoctions that speed up pregnancy. Among the most effective are a decoction of the inflorescences and leaves of the uterus, a course of taking sage, and an infusion of rose petals. If you read the forums, it becomes clear that ethnoscience often helps. For example, among the girls who used the boron uterus, 40% are satisfied with the therapy and say that the long-awaited pregnancy has occurred;
- Taking vitamins. There are medications that are simply necessary for those planning a pregnancy. Moreover, a deficiency of these substances often causes problems with conception. Medications that should be taken include: folic acid, vitamin E and tocopherol. But, of course, you should consult a doctor before taking it.
That's all the advice for today. If something doesn’t work out for you the first time, then don’t stop believing in a miracle and it will definitely come true. Even those couples who have been given a serious diagnosis, thanks to the capabilities of modern medicine, can experience the unforgettable happiness of becoming parents.