There is an opinion among people that men are unable to build long-term serious relationships and maintain them. And, of course, it is the female gender that suffers most from this. There are many stories about the fact that the beloved decided to break off the relationship with his soul mate, which caused her a lot of suffering and inevitable pain. And there is a case when the side that was abandoned does not want to continue its life path. But there is another side, which will be discussed.
Oddly enough, they also suffer and are very worried. Women also learned to suddenly confront their chosen ones with a fait accompli and break off relationships for completely different reasons. The man, in a lost state, begins to look for at least some clues, in the hope of understanding what went wrong and from what exact moment. The woman is bombarded with a stream of all kinds of promises that only he is capable of, but, alas, it is too late. Often a woman endures for a long time, endures with all her might, but at some point she understands that the situation will not change in the future, then there is a dead end, hopelessness, there are no guarantees for the slightest changes in the near future and decides to leave. It is difficult to say who is right in such situations. Everything usually depends on individual characteristics the person himself and the family in which he lives. Only then can one judge objectively.
Some people leave some men for others for one simple reason. They try to find and retain wealthy chosen ones so as not to feel the need for anything. After all, maintaining a family is, after all, a troublesome and costly matter, and not everyone is able to provide for it, especially in our time.
Many representatives of the fair sex are eager to conquer the top of the career ladder and their companion may be a person for whom family values do not come first.
And yet, why do women leave men most of all?
Causes:1. A woman comes to the realization that the person with whom she lives is not suitable for her or does not meet her requirements, and further existence with him is a waste of time. The woman sees a lot of shortcomings, everything begins to irritate her, any action on his part is perceived with irony. There is no point in continuing such a relationship, so she leaves her now former chosen one.
2. A fairly good reason for breaking up a relationship is to lie or not tell the truth, since in most cases this does not lead to anything good. Basically, the female gender considers lying to be an unacceptable fact in a relationship. After all, if she finds out the truth, firstly, it will be difficult to restore trust, and secondly, it will be unpleasant for herself and there will be a residue in her soul.
3. Falling in love with another person. It is not difficult for a woman to fall in love, especially if that person also reciprocates, gives compliments, gives gifts, invites her to walk in the park or just sit on a bench on a beautiful summer evening. It is difficult for a person to live without love, but love inspires you, your eyes light up, you want to continue living. Therefore, after comparing her life and condition, and the feelings she has experienced, a woman makes a choice and chooses a new relationship burning with passion.
4. Someone is determined to do it, but someone wants to wait, delaying the deadline. But a woman will not wait long if her man is in no hurry to have children, because then it will be too late to start a family and have children.
5. Many conflicts arise due to the jealousy of a loved one. It happens, it happens, that this jealousy has neither beginning nor end. It happens for no reason at all. In this case, not every woman will be able to bear it. She turns around and leaves. A relationship without trust is worthless.
6. After living for 5-7 years, in many families the relationship has outlived its usefulness. Respect has been replaced by humiliation, and instead of attention, the woman receives indifference and coldness. This will not affect the rapprochement of relations in any way, but in order to put an end to the relationship once and for all, this is, yes, a win-win option. Therefore, every person should think at least for a moment what kind of relationship he needs, and if this is a relationship that is not just for one night, then you need to be able to make a choice, what is more valuable to you.
Every year, psychologists are increasingly identifying cases of infidelity and abandonment of men by women. If in the old days adultery by men was almost the norm, now the weaker half of humanity has practically caught up with them. Why does this happen and why does a woman leave the family? Are women really only now beginning to notice the infidelity of their spouses, their bad behavior, instability of position?
Or maybe it's due to hormonal changes in female body? Or do modern trends have such a negative impact on the female psyche that she, simply put, “knocks down the tower” and rushes into a tangle of joys and sweet entertainment? Everything, as it turned out, is not so simple.
Reasons for wife's leaving
Whatever we say about statistical institutions, it is still a useful thing. For example, how would we know about the alarming figure of 70%? But it is precisely this number of women who initiate divorce proceedings. And the reason for this is infidelity and bad behavior of the spouse. And there is no question that ladies have become more likely to cheat. The increasing number of her female half leaving the family is most likely not the result of a woman’s adultery, but rather accumulated grievances, anger, loss of trust, etc. To find out the root of the problem, you need to delve a little deeper into the process of relationships between a man and a woman.
Peach and Die Hard
Experienced psychology experts gave the two opposite sexes their nicknames. A woman is a peach, and a man is a tough nut to crack. She is attractive, gentle, he must be hard and strong. As soon as you press down on the delicious fruit with your finger, it immediately gives in and leaves a hollow. It's the same with women. They are pliable, flexible, but as for her insides, they are a real peach pit - hard, stubborn. And if her life partner has intelligence, he will be able to conquer her temper, sculpt what he wants from the peach pulp. This is how happy people are formed family life.
Deprived of wisdom or at least an understanding of female nature, representatives of the stronger sex risk stumbling upon the inner core of a lady, that is, her bone. But it does not give in like pulp, and it is easy to break teeth on its hard shell. What does all this mean? A woman agrees to a lot, she will give in, do what a man wants, will be helpful, gentle and affectionate. But for the time being. If he goes too far and puts too much pressure on her psyche, he will receive such a response that it won’t seem like much. And the softest thing about this is her departure. Believe me, if it has come to this, you have really done something wrong. Next we will talk only about divorce.
So, so that the family ship does not crash on the iceberg of misunderstandings, rudeness, mistrust and other problems, we suggest carefully studying what forces a woman to abandon her relationship with her loved one.
Why do women file for divorce?
Let's consider the main series of reasons forcing ladies to leave the walls home and beloved husband. If you look closely at them, the man is not always the culprit of the problem. Much can also lie in the psyche of the spouse.
She was not ready for a family relationship. Yes, this reason occurs quite often these days. Girls grow up as spoiled, capricious mummy's and daddy's daughters. And no matter how hard her husband tries to please her, something is still wrong. Of course! If previously everything was handed to her on a silver platter, now she has to do everything herself.
It used to be, about 40-50 years ago, that children were brought up with the feelings and manners inherent in true boys and girls. Mom taught me to sew, cook, clean, wash, iron, etc. And future men mastered crafts with the help of the head of the family, helped their parents with housework, and by their youth they already knew how to hammer nails, repair irons, dig a vegetable garden, etc.
What now? They fell in love, decided to get married and find themselves alone with family problems. She doesn't know how to cook, he can't take out the trash - mommy or daddy did it for him. But now we are still talking about the female half of the family. As soon as the moment comes for cooking, washing and ironing, she gets lost, quickly gets tired and, even worse, doesn’t know which way to approach the kitchen stove. At first, of course, a compassionate mother or grandmother comes and does everything for her. But these women cannot completely replace the functions of a young wife. The result is disappointment, hysterics and flight back under the parental wings.
He, my husband, grew up to be a spoiled boy. Young husbands can perfectly “prance” in a new car, skillfully handle iPhones, smartphones, computers, and play shooting games well. But all this is entertainment, but what about housekeeping? As soon as She asks her husband to nail a nail, take out the trash, or help with cleaning the apartment, he will immediately begin to be indignant. Of course, how could anyone dare to demand that he perform some duties? “My mother didn’t give birth to me for work...” is a common saying of young husbands. Next comes rudeness, open insult, screams, tears. I wonder how long the young wife will endure, no matter how well she is prepared for family life. The prospect of becoming the slave of a spoiled, boorish and selfish man does not please any woman. The result is that she leaves, slamming the door loudly.
What to do? No one argues that romanticism should be present in the life of every young family. Despite the fact that most modern newlyweds are poorly prepared for family life, a certain number still manage to maintain relationships. According to statistics, approximately 50% of divorces occur in the first year of marriage. Another 33% - in the second and third years of marriage. In order to prevent this from happening, you need to be patient and work on the relationship - every day, hour, minute. Hope for a long and happy life exists in families that were able to survive the crisis of 3 and 5 years of coexistence.
Alcoholism. This factor is perhaps the most common. You can also add to it a modern scourge for young people - drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc. All types of addiction are a serious obstacle to creating a strong family. If a woman is ready to put up with and tolerate a husband who is addicted to an addiction, over time her patience will come to an end.
Let's take as an example the most common psychological illness -. It all starts with the fact that he “overdoes it” with alcohol at a party with friends. Then, every now and then he comes home from work smelling of beer. Well, it seemed like there was nothing wrong with this, a bottle after work on a hot day. Then it gets worse - the amount of alcohol consumed increases, and the degrees increase on the scale. There is no point in fighting his addiction at this point.
Firstly, an alcoholic never admits his problem. Secondly, even if it is possible to persuade him, then only an experienced narcologist can cope with this. But until it comes to the realization of addiction, the woman gets tired of the relationship with the drunk and leaves. And he does the right thing! Not only is life with him hell, but he can also have offspring serious problems with health. Even if they are born strong without mental disabilities, looking at their drinking father all their lives, they can adopt his habits and become the same losers. The situation can only be saved by leaving and refusing to communicate with the sick person.
He has a mistress. Representatives of the stronger sex are polygamous and this is not a secret to any of us. Quite often they “settle in” well. Having a constant spare girlfriend, they marry another, but do not even think about breaking off their previous relationship. This is how life goes on for years for “two” families. It happens that the legal spouse finds out about the presence of a second “wife” after many years or remains completely unaware. But most women leave their husbands after such a secret is revealed. And you can understand them. Trust has been lost, there is no point in continuing to love the person who betrayed you. And who will guarantee that he will not do this in the future. Men are generous with vows and promises, but very often they do not keep their word. The only way out is leaving.
Childfree man. Yes, there is a movement with this name, but it refers more to modern women. Selfish natures do not want to burden themselves with offspring, bother with diapers, undershirts, and not sleep at night while the baby grows. Unfortunately, among this type of modern people there are also men. They get married, but want to live only for themselves. And we are not talking about delaying the birth of offspring. They don't want to become fathers at all.
But for a normal woman it is nonsense not to give birth to a child. She does not see the future and the meaning of life simply dissolves. Why does she need such a husband? Quite often, when she manages to get pregnant, she hears her address: “You didn’t agree on this with me!” “You knew that I was against it!”, “This is a vile setup!”, “You betrayed me!” etc. There is a feeling that it is not he, but she, who is a selfish and capricious person who has done something terrible. Only correct solution, deserving of applause - leaving such an insolent person. Let him live for himself, stop pleasing him!
The husband became completely indifferent. Here we are not talking about the fact that he is not interested in his wife as a woman, although this is important. The man refuses to communicate and raise children, perform ordinary male duties, and work. A woman literally has to carry the whole family on her shoulders, she will cook, and clean, and earn money, and do homework with the children, and beat out carpets, and nail up baseboards, etc. A moment comes when she is simply not able, not only morally, but also physically, to do all the work for herself and her husband.
Became a boor. His romantic surprises, compliments, and courtship are gone. He turned into a rude man who constantly insults his wife, yells at her, and humiliates her in front of friends and family. Over time, this behavior will develop into open violence, so you should not be surprised that the rude man also raised his hand against his wife. What to do? There is no need to wait for the moment of beating, or to leave immediately after insult and humiliation. A normal, self-respecting woman will not tolerate such an attitude and will leave, loudly slamming the door. It would be a good idea to also file a police report for beatings.
He cooled down. Over the years, old feelings and passions cool down a little. There is a concept called "agape". Originally it meant love for the Lord or a person for his moral qualities. There is also another decoding of the word - affection that arose against the background of great love. Perhaps love has moved aside, but a strong attraction and attachment remains. But there are families in which the main human feeling simply dissolves, leaving emptiness. Often the husband who once loved and appreciated her completely loses interest in his wife. A vacuum, misunderstanding, and trust are lost in relationships. The husband and wife constantly quarrel, shout, humiliate and insult.
But a woman needs understanding, affection, the same love. She should feel loved and needed. When these important components are not present in family life, she leaves and looks for someone who will see a woman in her.
We have carefully studied the points that may lead to the risk of a wife leaving her husband. Of course, there are many more factors influencing a woman’s behavior, but the cases described are the most common. In any case, men need to delve deeper into this topic and find out what not to do in order to save the family and harmonious relationships with my wife. We suggest you study the recommendations of psychologists on how to keep your loved one and not give her reasons to doubt your sincerity.
How to keep your beloved wife from divorce
It is immediately worth noting that if a woman decides to do something, then there is no point in stopping her. The same applies to leaving your husband and divorce. It’s quite rare to be able to convince your loved one, and this requires compelling arguments and promises. Therefore, it is necessary to work with relationships and build harmony in the house much earlier, until, as they say, “the rooster pecks...”. After all, you need to understand what a decision is, such as leaving your spouse or breaking up. family relations doesn't happen in an instant. Unlike men, women take a long time to weigh their actions. And they decide to take the extreme step once and for all. Someone will object that, they say, you can promise her again “in three boxes” and she will believe again and stay. This is where the big mistake lies.
If she came back, it was because she pretended to leave. In fact, I didn’t even think about it, I was just scared. Believe me, he decides to do it seriously, he won’t hold you back, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you change, no matter what you promise.
If an eccentric, capricious, spoiled, partying, sloppy, generally negative person has decided to leave a man, let him go and breathe a sigh of relief. Remember the saying - “My wife left for my best friend - no one knows which of us is luckier!” Let him go and ruin the life of another, and you rest, relax and think about whether it’s worth falling for this type of woman again. According to psychologists, both men and women are drawn to the same type of people throughout life. So be careful and considerate and change your tastes.
How to keep your spouse from breaking up
So, let’s take advantage of the recommendations of experienced psychologists on the issue of restoring relationships with our beloved wife. Yes, we already know that a wife who decides to leave cannot be stopped. But maybe there is an opportunity to make her decide to stop herself, to change her mind about leaving. What to do?
- Remember how she fell in love with you. Be the one who made her happy, become more affectionate. Get rid of the negative “growths” that you have acquired during your life together. Give up bad habits, because they harm not only family relationships, but also your health. Become again that same active, fascinating, extraordinary and attractive person whom your wife looked at with tenderness and love. For example, stop smoking, stop drinking alcohol, stop lying on the couch and waiting for “manna from heaven,” and get a job.
- Gain her trust back. Psychologists will unanimously tell you that not a single woman will tolerate deception. If there is distrust in a man, no matter how much she loves him, she will not live with him. Moreover, she must not just trust, but trust, that is, completely rely on the head of the family, whom she has chosen according to certain parameters.
- Stay a man. Having relaxed against the backdrop of a warm family life, men often neglect themselves. They get better, stop taking care of their appearance, indulge in rudeness and insults, and stop paying attention to their once beloved wife. Feeling useless, she will immediately begin to “rotate her head” a full 360 degrees. For what? She is looking for someone who will appreciate her, make her feel welcome, and come to the meeting dressed to the nines, with the amazing aroma of French cologne.
- Be decisive. Know how to take on responsibilities, be the head of the family, make decisions. You are protection for your beloved household, and for her a strong and reliable shoulder. Only with such a man does a woman feel safe, not only for herself, but also for her children.
- Be loving father. Spend time with your children, arrange surprises and gifts for your loved ones, pamper and encourage your family - and she will never even think about changing the owner of the house.
It doesn’t take much to regain a woman’s trust and love. It is enough to show a little more care, participation, say kind words, give compliments, create little joys and everything will be fine. How to start? Yes, everything is very simple.
- First, make it a habit to go to the market every day after work and buy the necessary products. If you don’t know which ones, call her and find out.
- Secondly, buy one rose at least once a week and give it to your wife. A small but very important detail will do wonders for her mood.
- Thirdly, give her a break from household chores. Let her go on vacation and visit the spa at least once every three to four months. As a last resort, take the children out of the house and go to the skating rink, while your spouse is just being lazy at that moment.
You can continue to list the steps of the guilty spouse, intended to strengthen family relationships. But it seems to us that men themselves know in what moments they should change at least a little. Believe me, a woman does not miss a single detail, even the slightest. And if she notices that family values are important to her husband and she is still loved, then family life will receive a second wind. She will reconsider her decisions, think about whether it is worth breaking such strong bonds so radically, or maybe all is not lost yet? Here it is important not to stop improving your behavior as a loving spouse. His efforts, although not always successful, will be appreciated and the woman will forgive everything!
Why does a man leave a woman? Who and what is the reason?
A man dates or lives with a woman for a long time, but at some point he leaves, breaking off the relationship.
Why is this happening? What turns men off?
After some time, these men find other women, marry them and live happily ever after.
Each specific case, of course, has its own circumstances, but those women who experience constant problems with keeping a man, getting married, and maintaining a marriage have something in common.
The crush has passed.
What is falling in love? Sensual attraction to a member of the opposite sex, sometimes also of the same sex, caused and associated with the “hormonal fever” of the lover’s body.
Falling in love is extinguished, most easily and quickly, by intense sex with the object of love. Falling in love is harder and more painful when the lover is rejected.
And a happy version of a man-woman relationship, when infatuation turns into love.
A man leaves a woman when he falls in love, sometimes after the first sexual contacts With a woman. Or rather, he doesn’t even leave, but rather runs away, disappears, and abandons the woman.
A man can also leave when he is finally convinced that the woman he is in love with is unavailable to him: She doesn’t love me!
If we talk about long-term relationships: family or love, a man leaves if the crush has passed, but the feeling of love for the woman has not come.
Many men do not accept such relationships with a woman: they need, if not love, then infatuation.
Although, as a rule, a man does not think about such subtleties - he perceives it simply, excuse me: She no longer evokes desire in me, but others do.
A man will NEVER leave a woman if he loves her, but when love, not without the help of a woman, leaves, he can leave.
If by that time, of course, he is still able to do this: for living together with this woman often makes him a vital appendage of this woman - this family, children, this way of life, and so on.
The man is bored.
The man loses all interest in this woman - he no longer needs her.
This could be a conscious decision of a man: he analyzed the relationship and concluded that the woman does not satisfy his needs and does not correspond to his interests (in his understanding).
This may not be a conscious decision, based only on feelings: I’m bored with her.
He found another one.
The woman justifies herself by blaming the man for everything: He left me “as an asshole” because he found someone else!
There are actually two points here:
1) Since a man is a “goat” - he doesn’t need a woman as such, but a comfortable female, then why does a woman need such a man? You should be glad that this goat found another garden.
2) If a man is not an asshole, then who is to blame for the fact that the relationship with him was brought to such a state that he decided to end it as soon as another woman appeared on the horizon?
Everything is very simple here: the woman corresponds to his interests - he will not get away from her ANYWHERE.
Does not match? - there will be immediately or later another woman who will correspond and satisfy the interests of this man.
And what difference does it make what interests they are: sexual, kitchen-economic, spiritual or psychological.
To reassure women, I’ll say right away that everything here is interchangeable: a man can just as easily be put in a woman’s place, and vice versa.
He doesn't want to be henpecked.
The eternal dispute “Who is the boss of the house!?”, some couples have long decided this way:
We don’t need superiors and subordinates - we each do our own thing in relationships and family, as well as possible - that’s what we live for.
Due to various circumstances, many couples not only do not want to live this way, but also cannot. Why?
Someone in a couple does not want to voluntarily and independently perform their functions as a man or as a woman, as a husband or as a wife. They need to be forced to do this - they need a master - the head of the family and their own head.
It’s good if this is all by agreement of the parties: the husband commands - the wife obeys or vice versa, but what if not? If there is no such consent and voluntariness?
A woman will not put up with a position of dependence and subordination if she does not want it, and a man, even more so.
A man leaves because he does not want to be in the status of a subordinate relative to a woman.
He can't be himself with this woman.
By the age of 18-20, each person is an already formed personality: each has their own not only qualities, properties, but also habits, stereotypes of thinking and behavior.
In long-term, close, intimate, PERSONAL relationships, men and women want to be themselves, if not always, then mostly.
A woman or man constantly puts pressure on the “I” of their partner, while humiliating and insulting him, often without even noticing or understanding it. Everyone endures as much as they can. As soon as “patience runs out,” the person will leave.
A woman does not value a man.
It doesn’t really matter whether the woman really doesn’t appreciate this man or just wants to show him that.
A man will eventually begin to perceive it this way: I don’t represent anything valuable to you - you don’t need me? - goodbye, I went to look for someone who will appreciate me.
This is one side of a woman demonstrating her attitude towards a man: You are nobody and your name is nothing, where and who would you be now if not for Me?
Second: what does a woman count on when she doesn’t respect her partner as a man, a person, a partner, a husband, or a lover?
That he will change and become someone else whom she will respect and begin to appreciate?
This doesn’t happen, because “Your eyes were sore when you bathed, now eat if you want to climb!” - personality is fundamentally unchanged: If you don’t like it, why have a relationship with it? To cover up your complexes and vices by mocking her?
Treason.
I won’t describe it in detail, I’ll just remind you of an anecdote:
- Dear, what is diversity?
- Darling - this is when Masha, Ira, Luda.
- I understood. This is when Petya, Kolya, Zhenya.
- Darling, don’t confuse diversity with prostitution.
Men look at female infidelity completely differently. And if women are more inclined to forgive infidelity, then not every man will forgive a woman’s infidelity. And even if he forgives you in words, he will always have a reason to either reproach you once again or pack up his things and leave.
Don't make a man your girlfriend.
Don't call him for any reason. There is no need to tell your entire day in detail. Men perceive the world differently. Stop complaining all the time. Remember, your best friend is your pillow.
The woman stopped taking care of herself.
At the beginning of a relationship, we try to look better than we really are. After some time, we get tired of holding the bar high. There are two options: don’t set the bar too high, or if you want to save the relationship, keep it. Remember that a man fell in love with you wearing makeup, neat manicure and pedicure. Of course, after years, his figure may change, his hair may turn grey, and he is not getting any younger. But you must “spoil” equally.
A woman earns more.
Today, a woman can be much more successful in work and in business than a man. Remember, not all famous actresses are married to rich businessmen. And often their husbands are simple economists or engineers. Don't focus on your career achievements. A man is most often a leader by nature - this will hurt his pride. And sooner or later, it will become difficult for him to be around you. Remember, a successful life is not just about a career.
A woman uses a man as a “wallet”.
Use a man as a wallet? In that case, don't cry that he's gone. Relationships where a woman is only looking for benefits will not last long. A man wants to be loved, not used. Better learn to be self-sufficient.
Deception.
If a woman constantly lies, then sooner or later it will undermine confidence in her. Trust is the bridge on which long-term relationships are built.
Obsessiveness.
One of the most unpleasant female character traits. A man sometimes wants to be alone. You shouldn’t bother him, offer help, or give advice. It's really annoying. Sometimes a person needs to be alone. Solve your problems. Reflect on the situation. If you want to offer your help, do it delicately. I want to brush away the intrusive fly. Leave him alone for a while and take care of yourself.
The woman doesn't know how to cook.
Not every man, coming home from work, will stand at the stove. Buy a recipe book. Please your loved ones. Learn to cook borscht and fry pies.
Sleeper.
You shouldn't show a man that you can do everything yourself. Otherwise, you will have to do everything yourself.
Your ex was better than you.
Some women who are literally fixated on their past life: they live more in it than in the present.
What kind of man would like it when you repeatedly hear and observe from a woman: But with him, and here with him, and so on, and so on?
Intrusiveness and obsession of a woman.
It can get annoying with constant clarification: Do you love me? Are you okay with me? Or phone calls and messages.
A man's boasting and display.
Presenting, especially at the beginning of a relationship, a man as an acquired thing and boasts of its presence. Should a man like this?
Boring and perfectionism.
Most men don’t like punctuality on the verge of perfectionism, and even a woman’s perfectionism itself: It’s better to be late than to come every second and demand it from a man.
Sexual coldness or, conversely, passion and tirelessness.
For most men, a woman’s excessive activity in sex is, well, how can I put it... Unnatural.
Excessive demands.
For example: You must quit smoking! So what if it’s not that simple.
A woman's ease of access to men, including this man.
Excessive care and guardianship.
Men leave the family after the birth of a child.
It would seem that everything is fine. A man and a woman love each other. They have a common favorite child. And the man suddenly leaves. What happened?
Remember. Nature prepared the woman for nine months for the birth of a child. You've spent nine months learning how to take care of him. For a man, a small, squealing lump was born that does not allow him to sleep, eat, or live, and has completely taken away the attention of his beloved wife. And my wife has changed a lot. Not wearing makeup, exhausted, not getting enough sleep.
Remember. Men are the same as children. They may perceive the child as a rival. This is where you will need all your feminine cunning, endurance and tolerance. We need to involve our husband in caring for the child. Teach to love this little troublemaker. Over time, your man will learn to be the best dad in the world. And the child will become much calmer. Problems will remain, but your man will remain with you.
Womanizer.
Falling in love causes a surge in hormonal levels in a person. And when your emotional and sexual desires are satisfied, falling in love passes. For men, this sometimes happens overnight. He saw it, caught fire, got the object of desire in bed, cooled down (that is, the hormonal surge faded away), and began a new search. Left girls feel worse. They remain unsatisfied emotionally and have high hormonal levels. Give this person a big fat dot. Cry to your heart's content, your soul will feel better. Believe me, it’s better not to share your problems with your friends. Over time, the hormonal surge will fade away for you too. To avoid getting into such a situation, use your brain. Living with feelings is good, but living with rational feelings is even better.
Gigolo.
It also happens that a man is looking for a more profitable match for himself. Another girl may have an apartment, a car, rich parents, and so on. Do not worry. These are not confident men. You cannot rely on them throughout your life. It will be much worse if he leaves after thirty years of marriage with the words: “I found what I was looking for all my life.” Let such men go boldly and don’t prove anything.
Limitation of development
You haven’t been dating for the first day or the first month, and maybe even a year. In the process of life, a person develops and changes. Accordingly, his claims to life and to the person who is nearby change. He may want to see in you not only a wonderful housewife, but also a socialite who will suitably set him off at social events.
They have become heavy ballast that pulls us back. Don't cling to the past. Don't stop a man in his development. Don't become a burden. Develop next to him. Support his endeavors.
Moving.
There are drastic changes in a person's life. Change of residence, a man is forced to go to work in another city or country. Not all relationships can withstand the test of distance. A man may immediately decide to break off the relationship, especially if your relationship is not formalized.
In a relationship with a man, nothing should be too much or too little.
The common thing that unites all the reasons for a man leaving a woman is that there is something in her or in her behavior that is too much or, conversely, not enough for this man.individual lessons I will help you:
Realize what exactly you do not accept about yourself, what you cannot forgive yourself for and for what reasons.
Understand exactly how self-rejection affects you, your life, how people around you perceive your experiences and behavior, why some people (possibly) reject you, and you turn into a victim.
Reduce mental stress, anxiety and gain an internal resource to work on overcoming internal discomfort.
Comprehend, work through and let go of childhood psychological trauma.
Master effective methods forgiveness and acceptance of oneself, getting rid of the emotional burden of the past.
By improving your well-being, you will become much happier and more successful.
Improve (or restore) relationships with loved ones.
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It seems their patience is over. But they were taught that nothing is more important for a woman than marriage and motherhood, that the family must be preserved at all costs, that being a “divorcee” is shameful. They were taught various feminine wisdom: how to marry a man and how to keep him later, they explained that a man is the head, and a woman is the neck, that the way to a man’s heart is through the stomach, that a man is a breadwinner, and a woman is the keeper of the hearth.
But more and more women expect something more from their partners: love, respect, understanding. And if this is not the case in a relationship, we are ready to leave it. Statistics from the superjob.ru portal show: in 57% of cases, it is women who initiate divorce. How so? After all, it is traditionally believed that women are conservative by nature, in contrast to innovative men?
So which of us is conservative?
Before our eyes, ideas about male and female roles and the family are undergoing a breakdown. This is a global process - in everything Western world We are witnessing a crisis of both the gender and family systems at the same time, notes client-centered psychotherapist Alexander Orlov: “In this chaos, the male position, in my opinion, is more conservative, it is more centripetal and protective, while the female position is more progressive in its trajectory, rather, centrifugal."
For a woman, staying in the family is often associated with losses and stress. And when she leaves the family, she receives bonuses
Maybe men are more moral? No, morality has nothing to do with it, says Alexander Orlov, it’s all about the contradictory conditions in which men and women exist.
Despite all the seemingly dramatic changes, society remains patriarchal and sexist: “Ultimately, society as a whole - even in countries such as the USA and Holland - continues to remain on the side of men. Gender inequality, glass ceilings and general infringement of the rights of women, who are the weak link in this system, persist.”
But in this patriarchal situation, it turns out that it is more profitable for a man to keep his family, and for a woman to leave it.
“For a man, staying in a traditional family is associated mainly with gains, from economic to psychological,” emphasizes Alexander Orlov. - And exit is fraught with real losses. There is a stereotype that a “real man” leaves without taking anything. We are talking about property and children. For a woman, on the contrary, staying in the family is associated mainly with losses, overexertion, deprivation (domestic “slavery”, humiliation, betrayal of her husband...). And when she leaves the family, she receives bonuses. Even if during a divorce the housing has to be divided, she has the opportunity to dispose of her part at her own discretion.”
They got to their feet
“At some point, I got tired of hearing my husband’s favorite refrain: “Don’t burden me!” - recalls 35-year-old Taisiya. - He had no time for me, no time for the child. “I’m giving money - leave me alone!” Gradually we became strangers, our lives ran parallel. And I decided that there was no point in staying together. I’m quite a successful lawyer, somehow I’ll live and raise my daughter.”
The naked eye can see how the economic foundations of the family are changing, at least in large cities. Although women in Russia have been working en masse since the time of the 1917 revolution, over the past decades the number of those who make careers and earn on par with their husbands, or even more, has noticeably increased. And this means that the “married” status ceases to be a condition for survival.
“If this is so, then the meaning of marriage changes,” says Gestalt therapist Elena Pavlyuchenko. - Now it should be a condition for improving the quality of life, including psychological. Accordingly, a woman’s requirements for her partner change: she expects him to provide her with support, spiritual comfort, and not just bring money and fix something in the house - there are various services for this. The human qualities of her companion come to the fore for her.”
Wives go to psychotherapy, which transforms personality, emphasizes independence, encourages them to find a way out
But Russian men are not yet very ready to respond to these expectations, the Gestalt therapist believes. And this can also push women to break up.
Men don't want to change
It is also important that in an unsuccessful marriage, women suffer more than their husbands.
“A study conducted recently in the UK showed that women who are dissatisfied with their marriages have an increased risk of anxiety disorder,” says Elena Pavlyuchenko. - That is, they experience problems in a couple much more difficult than men. And this affects their well-being. Men, if they are dissatisfied with their marriage, most often simply distance themselves and go into work, hobbies, and social connections. It’s as if they don’t expect anything good from marriage, it’s enough for them that there is everyday life together, maybe even sex, but they may not be in the mood for emotional contact.”
And men and women cope with these experiences differently, notes Alexander Orlov: “According to my observations, approximately 80% of our clients are women. Men prefer traditional forms of “therapy”: alcohol, friends, bathhouse, football, etc., which allows them to relieve stress. But all these methods are conservative. They simply provide relief from emotional tension without changing the man’s position as a whole.
And wives go to psychotherapy, which transforms personality, emphasizes independence, encourages them to find a way out of the current situation, and very often this leads to the fact that the old system of relationships breaks down and the wife decides to break up.”
The psychotherapist notes that the desire to be on equal terms with a partner is associated with the level of education, especially in the humanities, as well as with the woman’s childhood experience. “If the family accepted her, respected her needs, and did not push her into the Procrustean bed of a gender role, she is more likely to say “no” to a union that does not satisfy her.”
Sometimes it's better to be alone
“I fled from my husband’s spacious apartment located in the center of Moscow to a destroyed rented one-room apartment in a residential area. Even though I lost my comfort, it was still like I was flying on wings! No one will “build” me anymore! What a relief! - 29-year-old Karina rejoices.
There are more and more people living alone in the world. But this is more difficult for men, notes Elena Pavlyuchenko: “In such a situation, their quality of life often decreases, they become more susceptible to disease than women.”
For women, loneliness is not so critical. Yes, being left without a partner, they lose in terms of mental well-being to those who live in a satisfying marriage, but they gain compared to those who are not satisfied with the marriage. “We can easily organize our own life, we are more inclined to social contacts, we have girlfriends and hobbies. And although we say that we are afraid of loneliness, if we feel bad in the family, then it is better to be alone,” comments the Gestalt therapist.
In a traditional family, the man’s place is the sofa, the woman’s place is the kitchen or nursery.
“Having left the family system, a woman receives psychological freedom that she did not have before,” continues Alexander Orlov. - After all, a man is more free within the family, including the notorious “trips to the left.” Society, including, paradoxically, a woman’s friends, looks much more favorably on men’s adventures and condemns not only the real betrayal of a woman, but even her fantasies on this topic.”
And perhaps the most important thing is liberation from “domestic slavery”, because of which a woman feels that she does not belong to herself.
“Generally speaking, in a traditional family, a man’s place is the sofa, a woman’s place is the kitchen or nursery,” continues the client-centered psychotherapist. - In this sense, the timing of the life of the average married woman in Russia presents a terrible picture. It may sound provocative, but I would compare this traditional family system with the apartheid system that once existed in South Africa, where blacks had a completely different lifestyle and access to goods than whites.
In our traditional family, women also turn out to be not “white” people. By leaving it, they get the opportunity to manage their own time and can afford a freer lifestyle.”
Why are we fighting?
The main causes of family conflicts in Russia Conflicts happen in one way or another in most Russian families, as shown by a survey conducted by the Levada Center in 2017. At least only 26% of survey participants said that they do not have quarrels (and another 11% refrained from answering). 3% quarrel almost every day, 8% every week, 21% once or several times a month, and 31% less often.
Most often the reason for the quarrel is:
- lack of money - 37%,
- different views, lack of mutual understanding - 32%,
- distribution of household duties - 28%,
- desire to individually decide what to spend money on - 16%,
- problems with children - 15%,
- problems with parents, relatives - 12%,
- jealousy, betrayal - 7%,
- drunkenness - 6%.
From subordination to equality
Of course, women's views and sense of self are changing under the influence of feminism. Although it would be a simplification to think that the whole point is the penetration of Western ideas into us. This is an objective process, Elena Pavlyuchenko emphasizes: the patriarchal structure does not correspond to the level of the economy.
“The development of technology leads to the fact that women’s qualities and way of thinking are increasingly in demand in the labor market: the ability to multitask, composure, and attentiveness. Women are less susceptible to alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling and other addictions. And this cannot but lead to a change in women's values. The “married” status ceases to be a sign of a woman’s success, and the “divorced” status is no longer a reason to feel sorry for her.”
But what about children? After all, until recently it was believed that for their sake it was necessary to preserve even the most bad marriage. Isn't the mother acting selfishly by leaving her husband?
Family is important, provided that it is built on other foundations. On partnership, cooperation, mutual respect
“If she suffers mistreatment, then internally she is dead,” says Alexander Orlov. “And for children to watch a mother who died during her lifetime, to put it mildly, is not very good.” The one who breaks up with her husband in order to stay “alive” is just more responsible.
All this does not mean that family is for " new woman"loses meaning.
“The family is important, provided that it is built on other foundations,” says Alexander Orlov. - On partnership, cooperation, mutual respect. Such a family presupposes a new identity, lifestyle, and responsibility. It would be wrong to idealize partnership; there are many problems in such a family. But this is a healthier form of marital relations than patriarchal ones.”
Three waves of women's emancipation
The path to equality in society and in the family began for our women 200 years ago
The first shoots of emancipation at the turn of the 18th-19th centuries are associated with the spread of Enlightenment ideas in Russia, in particular the need for education for women. The awakening of self-awareness was also facilitated by the literature of romanticism, which proclaimed a woman’s right to freedom of feelings.
Since the 1860s, women have attended public lectures, gone to study abroad, participated in revolutionary movements, and mastered male professions. New forms of marriage are emerging: civil marriage, marriage between representatives of different classes, etc. Under Nicholas II, Russia ranks first in Europe in the number of women studying in universities.
The second wave of emancipation is associated with the revolution of 1917
Women received equal rights with men, the vast majority of them began to work. A policy of social security and support for working mothers was carried out, and nurseries and kindergartens were opened. In the 1930s, emancipation was largely curtailed: abortion was banned, and traditional gender ideology prevailed.
And although in the 1960s the government became more liberal in women's issues, throughout the entire period of Soviet power, women bore the burden of “double employment”: at work and at home.
The third wave began after the collapse of the USSR
As sociologist Olga Zdravomyslova notes, “the values of emancipation that have been hard-won by Russian culture cannot be canceled, and the intellectual and activist potential possessed by some Russian women, the availability of various information to men and women, and their involvement in the modern context give reason to assume that the third project of women’s emancipation may turn out to be the most successful."